The Evil Web of Doping!

The O.D. recently gave me a pair of bib shorts. He claimed that he didn't need them, they didn't fit him and I would probably be better off with them anyway. I did not think much of it at the time, but I appreciated them and never suspected anything. I had no reason to believe there was anything underhanded going on. Then I receive this email from Smooth as Silk:

Dave, I was reading the comment that the doper left about his article. Does the doped up shorts have a deer penis in the pad to give you a real high when riding? Why did you get a pair of these shorts? Is there something that you have been hiding from us?

Silk

I felt like my world was crumbling. I had crossed the line to the land of the doper. The two people who read this are going to think that I had moved into the realm of doping. I had to react, so I sent this reply:

I suspect that the shorts were either a gesture to make me complicit, therefore giving him someone to turn on in the event that he gets busted or simply an attempt to make me go faster to quit ruining his training rides by going so slow. I don’t think I received the deer version, because I was only mildly faster when I rode in them. You probably have to build up a tolerance through angelica root and turtle blood before you can go for the hardcore deer penis.

Seeing as how I took a power washer to the chamois, I may have offset any potential benefit prior to the ride. I have noticed that the spiders in my driveway, where I power washed said chamois are now one foot wide and two feet tall and my kids are riding them. I guess I shouldn’t have taken the Clinton approach and inhaled.

The Enmark

Hopefully, WADA isn't trying to kick down my door. You have to watch out for the doper.

More F'n Rain!

I am so sick of the rain. Every time I have the opportunity to get a ride in. It is F**kin' raining. What a shit spring.

I was looking for something to get my spirits up and I stumbled across this picture. I forgot how funny it was. I wish I could be this Macho.

From the island that is apparently going to sink in all the F**kin' rain,

The Enmark

Observation of the Year!

Josh showed up for the group ride today on some new bike power. I hadn't seen him for a while, but having just had baby number 3 (Eden) he gets a pass, so it was the first time that I had seen the new rig. His old LeMond broke, so they gave him the option of getting their new carbon bike. It is pretty sweet and it certainly screams speed.

After talking with Josh about how much he likes it, Shane did have one observation on the new model. It was with out a doubt, one of the funniest things I have heard in a good while. Shane wanted to know if the new model came with a bur on the saddle, to make the purchaser an insufferable prick, just like Greg. Thus far he is winning funniest ride comment of the year.



From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

WWJD- The true Punisher

I figured something out today. Right now 4 hours is the barrier for me. Being pathetic, this is probably a vast improvement, but it is still a hard stop, because hour 5 was ugly. 91
miles later, I made it home, but like I said, the last bit was UGLY.

While Jens was doing his thing slogging it in the break in Giro, I was slogging it on the back of the local group ride trying to make it home in one piece while never taking a single pull. I have mad skills at dodging turns.

Jens on the other hand, would gladly take his turn, plus yours. Jens is a pimp.......I suck. Hopefully, I turn a corner soon and can use the WWJD mantra.

Slowly creeping back on the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Doping Secret's Revealed

I have been informed by one of my "in the know" informants (smooth as silk) that he has stumbled into some of the dirty little secrets of doping. One of those secrets was reported in the April 1st USA Today.

Here is the low down: Deer penis, turtle blood and angelica root potions have joined steroids and amphetamines on the list of banned drugs for Chinese Olympians.

After I received this information, I was forced to re-evaluate my time riding with the O.D. (Original Doper).

I could never understand why every fall we had to ride to all of the deer check in stations, but we always did. O.D. claimed to be in love with nature and a huge fan of 12 point bucs. Turns out, he is into bucs alright. No interest in doe's what so ever. The puzzle is beginning to make more and more sense.

Then I backed up into some of the early spring rides through the Bluegrass Wildlife area, where for no explicable reason, he would tear off through a field toward one of the many fishing holes and dive in head first. He claimed it was to force himself to hold his breath to increase his anaerobic threshold, but I suspect he was just chasing turtle blood. He would casually pop up from under the water like Rambo with 2-3 turtles in his hands claiming that they might make it as pets for his kids. I have been to his house, they don't have any turtles for pets. He is on the stuff.

Now that he has picked up running, he disappears in the woods for hours on end. He claims to be working on a half marathon, but I think that he has to crawl out with all of the angelica root he is carrying.

We are going to continually monitor this story, but if for no reason, he hops off of his bike to mount a doe, I am calling the UCI & PETA.

Last Second Addition: Suzuki Shane noticed that the the O.D. lives on Deer Trail. Honestly, he really has a physical address with Deer Trail as the street. It was probably a ploy to throw off WADA and not have a Rasmusen incident.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Time is standing still!!!!!!!

All of the clocks in my house have stopped......I think that the world is coming to an end. Armageddon is here!!!!!

Bill Stone has done a time trial. Even worse, he has publicly acknowledged the fact. This is the man who taught me to never confess and he goes and does this. This is like finding out that Mighty Mouse isn't real. I offer the supporting material at Truesport. It is a sad day when the biggest proponent for anti TT'ing caves to the pressure of his new team. Even worse when he admits it.

It is that crazy liberal Druber. I blame him. That can be the only explanation. He would never do this on his own. The axis of evil is at work.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

The G-Man & I.....beacons of hope

I talked to the G-Man the other day and during our conversation, we came to the realization that we felt like the world is falling apart. There are parts of the world starving, people in need from earthquake damage and flooding, a world at war with no end in sight. What are we doing to make the world better?

Here at home, fuel has hit an all time high and people right here at home are losing their homes at an alarming rate to foreclosures. There has never been a more dismal period in this country and the future leaders running for office don't leave much hope for a better tomorrow.

Someone has to act. That someone is G-Man and I. We are going to pitch in. We are going to do our part.

We decided that we can't be these old guys who bitch, but offer no solutions. We racked our brains and decided, what cause can we really offer our support too, where can we make a difference? We knew where we could end the suffering:






Please join us in our fight to save the Ta-Ta's. We can only do it with your help. Offer up a free breast screening today. You can help.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Maybe I should get into singing.....

Since I am too slow to ride, maybe I should look into a singing career.

SSSSSSlllllooooowwwww.

I am slow. In fact, I am extremely slow.

For the past few weeks, I have been doing the group ride, but it has not ended up with me in much of a group, primarily because I am way to slow to ride with the group. I have been riding once or twice a week, but apparently, that doesn't constitute enough training to remove me from the slow ranks. I have however progressed from the horrifically pathetic ranks to extremely slow.

Here are some marks of progress that I have noticed on my journey from horrifically pathetic to extremely slow:

1) While I still cry during rides, there are no longer enough tears to block out the information from the SRM, which has lightened the load that I carry in my jersey pocket since I no longer require a squeegee to clear it off.

2) I hit a non-wind aided top speed of 20 the other day on level ground. I called the folks at Guinness, but apparently they don't do records anymore, they just sell beer

3) No one suggests that I leave the 6:00 Tuesday ride start at 5:15 so that I can make it over Dragline with the group anymore (5:25 was strongly suggested though)

I will be on the lookout to see what it will take to make the transition from extremely slow to just plain slow. If I figure it out, I could progress once again.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark