Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
So......
you want to see the slowest Ridley on earth?
Here it is:
T-Rent's new rig....all show.....no go
Take note that it is in the little chain ring in the pics....as it always will be. Keep your eye posted on eBay for a lightly used 53 tooth chain ring. I doubt he can go fast enough to get it there.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Here it is:
T-Rent's new rig....all show.....no go
Take note that it is in the little chain ring in the pics....as it always will be. Keep your eye posted on eBay for a lightly used 53 tooth chain ring. I doubt he can go fast enough to get it there.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Been busy doing.. Research???
I am taking the liberty and Hijacking The Enmarks Blog. As i type this he is either in stand by hell, or managed to get on a flight from O'Hare. I wish him happy travels.
I AM penalizing him for the unofficial rule of 'no posts for over a month result in hijacking'.. and YES, i did just make that up.
I did get this image from him, all i can guess is that he has been busy exploring ... his flip flaps??
Perhaps thats why he is AWOL from the bike and even threatening to no show for Hilly
On a side bar - Trent is a confirmed No Show for Hilly, apparently sitting hungover for the Sunday ride left him damaged and unable to attend this year
Friday, July 25, 2008
Travel Observations
I have been traveling a lot lately. I don't really like it much, but I have to do it, so I tolerate it. Since I have to tolerate it, I figure I should take it all in. Here are some things I have noticed while I have been seeing the U.S. lately.
Most Asian people bring enormous carry on bags with half of Hong Kong stuffed into them, yet most of them can't reach the over head bin. This is a problem, since they expect you to help them get it into the bin for them. If you find yourself in this situation, don't do it. Make them follow the golden rule, if you can't lift it, check it. That way I don't have to wait for your stupid ass to get help to get it down when we land. Do us all a favor.
Everyone has an iPod. Everyone. And they insist on using it right until the last possible second, forcing the flight attendant to make them turn it off. I seriously doubt that they have ever tracked the cause of a plane crashing to the use of an iPod, but they want them turned off, so do it early so I don't have to watch the flight attendant tap your stupid ass since you can't hear them.
*As a side note, I have found great fun in mouthing words to people in the terminal or on the plane, without actually saying anything, forcing them to jack with their volume. Nothing is more fun than forcing someone zoned out with an iPod into conversation. Try it.
Airlines Suck. Now that they are finally figuring out that they have a failing business model, they are giving you less and less service for more money. The newest profitability craze is to charge you for checked bags, which in turn lends itself to half of Hong Kong making it's way into the carry on section as we have previously discussed. With this rise in costs, people are now resorting to putting their kids in the overhead bins so that they can actually afford to get to Grandma's.
Where is America headed?
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Most Asian people bring enormous carry on bags with half of Hong Kong stuffed into them, yet most of them can't reach the over head bin. This is a problem, since they expect you to help them get it into the bin for them. If you find yourself in this situation, don't do it. Make them follow the golden rule, if you can't lift it, check it. That way I don't have to wait for your stupid ass to get help to get it down when we land. Do us all a favor.
Everyone has an iPod. Everyone. And they insist on using it right until the last possible second, forcing the flight attendant to make them turn it off. I seriously doubt that they have ever tracked the cause of a plane crashing to the use of an iPod, but they want them turned off, so do it early so I don't have to watch the flight attendant tap your stupid ass since you can't hear them.
*As a side note, I have found great fun in mouthing words to people in the terminal or on the plane, without actually saying anything, forcing them to jack with their volume. Nothing is more fun than forcing someone zoned out with an iPod into conversation. Try it.
Airlines Suck. Now that they are finally figuring out that they have a failing business model, they are giving you less and less service for more money. The newest profitability craze is to charge you for checked bags, which in turn lends itself to half of Hong Kong making it's way into the carry on section as we have previously discussed. With this rise in costs, people are now resorting to putting their kids in the overhead bins so that they can actually afford to get to Grandma's.
Where is America headed?
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
The Glorious Debut of Team E'ville!!!!!
On the 12th of July, Team E'ville participated in The Ride Across Indiana.
While this event is not officially on the UCI, the USCF, Daly's Cycling Circus Extravaganza or any other legitimate race schedule, it is well known that it is a full fledged race, albeit it has no sanctioning. In fact it is so race like, there are only a few missing items, like officials, rules, a prize list or everyone that is in attendance aware that they are at a competitive event. With this being the M.O. of the "race that is RAIN", Astana was forced to withdraw at the last minute, leaving only Team E'ville as the major favorite.
I had originally planned to attend the event in a supportive roll, from a car in air conditioning, before realizing that my time would be better served watching the Tour on TV and mowing my lawn, so I handed the reins of Team E'ville over to our new director sportiff, Smooth as Silk.
He was extremely nervous about this new found responsibility and immediately went out and bought Johan's new book about coaching Lance to all of those Tour wins. I appreciated his enthusiasm, but had him read an article by famed Thunder Ranch owner Clint Smith instead, called "Always cheat, always win".
Clint is a world renowned trainer in the firearms industry, working with many government agencies and the military. He is what many would call the trainer of gun fighters. I figured with an event as important as RAIN, why leave anything to chance with simple cycling coaching. Once he realized that one gun is none and two is good, I knew he was ready to step up to a full fledged leadership role. He took to the always cheat, always win mantra and set about his task. Victory to Team E'ville would not be denied!
I decided to interview Smooth as Silk after the event, to get into the mind of the man who could lead such a team to victory in a tourist event.
TE: So where did your riders end up yesterday?
SaS: We won! The O.D. pulled it out. Once I talked the promoter into acknowledging that Tandems aren't really bikes and they get into your way at the Hilly Hundred and should be banned, he removed them from the race.
TE: So Team E'ville was victorious! How did it play out?
SaS: Well the weather was shit on Saturday morning, so I had the O.D. stay in Terre Haute and skip coming to the start. I figure 160+ miles is a long ass way and there is no sense in tiring the entire squad out with riding them all. They say cycling is like a book of matches and I figure we kept a few by avoiding the start and just jumping in the group up the road.
TE: That sounds very Clint like...always cheat, always win.
SaS: Exactly! There was no need to have everyone go to the start line. We all ride in the same kit. No one was counting how many guys were there.
TE: So how did the race unfold after that.
SaS: It was smooth to Indy, then the O.D. had a mishap. He managed to flat. I was in a quandary as a director at that point. He was one of our superstars, but did not have an extra wheel. I know what you are thinking, why would you take on an event like that with no spare wheels and no means to change a flat, but he is a star, so it was my job to support him. I ended up giving him Skip's wheel and getting him back to the group.
TE: But that was not without controversy?
SaS: No, I am afraid not. I was forced to motor pace him back to the group, but he got in safely.
TE: So that is the controversy?
SaS: I think there are some people who just don't understand European cycling. That is how you get riders back.
TE: So how long did it take to get him back?
SaS: 45 minutes
TE: You motor paced a rider for 45 minutes?
SaS: Hey in Europe they pace them back up.....
TE: But they issue time and cash fines for receiving too much assistance from the follow car...45 minutes? Sounds like you didn't read Clint's words, you memorized them. Always cheat, Always win huh?
SaS: Hey smart ass....I wanted him back in the race and I got it done. Sure I took some heckling from other riders, support people, and two little kids were laughing at me, but this is a major event, this was some of our guys whole season....I stand by my decision to get him back into the group.
If I had to do it again, I would have just had him throw the bike in the truck and had him jump back in later like we did at the start, but there were just too many witnesses to worry about at that point of the race, so I paced him back up.
TE: So is it safe to say that this was the view of your rider for the majority of RAIN?
SaS: Not the majority...he didn't even do the start, so I can't speak to what he saw while he was waiting to jump in. Besides it was only 45 minutes out of 7 hours of riding. I mean he had to pedal the rest of the way....do you think that I screwed this director thing up? My wife is going to be pissed if I did.
TE: Why is that?
SaS: I told her this was my chance to crack the big time, to make it into a managerial role in cycling. She wanted me to clean the pool that day and I put her off....I promised to take her to France next summer since I figured after this I would get a job with Garmin or Columbia. Where do you think I stand now? Am I going to have to spring for a trip on my dime to Europe now?
TE: I don't know what else happened in the race?
SaS: Well, I did not want to leave anything to chance, so I had Skip attack the group alone.
TE: So he got clear solo and "won"?
SaS: Not exactly....
TE: Do tell....
SaS: We decided to have Team E'ville go to the front and blister the tempo...
TE: To chase your own guy?
SaS: Hey, we had to make the race hard man...
TE: So did you bring him back?
SaS: With a shit load of chasing, we rounded Skip back up.
TE: So bring it home.
SaS: It ended as a group, well minus the tandem that was not supposed to be there and the O.D. got across the line first.
TE: So what do you know about electronics?
SaS: What do you mean?
TE: I was just wondering what department you were going to work in at Best Buy to pay for that trip to Europe.
SaS: Dammit
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
While this event is not officially on the UCI, the USCF, Daly's Cycling Circus Extravaganza or any other legitimate race schedule, it is well known that it is a full fledged race, albeit it has no sanctioning. In fact it is so race like, there are only a few missing items, like officials, rules, a prize list or everyone that is in attendance aware that they are at a competitive event. With this being the M.O. of the "race that is RAIN", Astana was forced to withdraw at the last minute, leaving only Team E'ville as the major favorite.
I had originally planned to attend the event in a supportive roll, from a car in air conditioning, before realizing that my time would be better served watching the Tour on TV and mowing my lawn, so I handed the reins of Team E'ville over to our new director sportiff, Smooth as Silk.
He was extremely nervous about this new found responsibility and immediately went out and bought Johan's new book about coaching Lance to all of those Tour wins. I appreciated his enthusiasm, but had him read an article by famed Thunder Ranch owner Clint Smith instead, called "Always cheat, always win".
Clint is a world renowned trainer in the firearms industry, working with many government agencies and the military. He is what many would call the trainer of gun fighters. I figured with an event as important as RAIN, why leave anything to chance with simple cycling coaching. Once he realized that one gun is none and two is good, I knew he was ready to step up to a full fledged leadership role. He took to the always cheat, always win mantra and set about his task. Victory to Team E'ville would not be denied!
I decided to interview Smooth as Silk after the event, to get into the mind of the man who could lead such a team to victory in a tourist event.
TE: So where did your riders end up yesterday?
SaS: We won! The O.D. pulled it out. Once I talked the promoter into acknowledging that Tandems aren't really bikes and they get into your way at the Hilly Hundred and should be banned, he removed them from the race.
TE: So Team E'ville was victorious! How did it play out?
SaS: Well the weather was shit on Saturday morning, so I had the O.D. stay in Terre Haute and skip coming to the start. I figure 160+ miles is a long ass way and there is no sense in tiring the entire squad out with riding them all. They say cycling is like a book of matches and I figure we kept a few by avoiding the start and just jumping in the group up the road.
TE: That sounds very Clint like...always cheat, always win.
SaS: Exactly! There was no need to have everyone go to the start line. We all ride in the same kit. No one was counting how many guys were there.
TE: So how did the race unfold after that.
SaS: It was smooth to Indy, then the O.D. had a mishap. He managed to flat. I was in a quandary as a director at that point. He was one of our superstars, but did not have an extra wheel. I know what you are thinking, why would you take on an event like that with no spare wheels and no means to change a flat, but he is a star, so it was my job to support him. I ended up giving him Skip's wheel and getting him back to the group.
TE: But that was not without controversy?
SaS: No, I am afraid not. I was forced to motor pace him back to the group, but he got in safely.
TE: So that is the controversy?
SaS: I think there are some people who just don't understand European cycling. That is how you get riders back.
TE: So how long did it take to get him back?
SaS: 45 minutes
TE: You motor paced a rider for 45 minutes?
SaS: Hey in Europe they pace them back up.....
TE: But they issue time and cash fines for receiving too much assistance from the follow car...45 minutes? Sounds like you didn't read Clint's words, you memorized them. Always cheat, Always win huh?
SaS: Hey smart ass....I wanted him back in the race and I got it done. Sure I took some heckling from other riders, support people, and two little kids were laughing at me, but this is a major event, this was some of our guys whole season....I stand by my decision to get him back into the group.
If I had to do it again, I would have just had him throw the bike in the truck and had him jump back in later like we did at the start, but there were just too many witnesses to worry about at that point of the race, so I paced him back up.
TE: So is it safe to say that this was the view of your rider for the majority of RAIN?
SaS: Not the majority...he didn't even do the start, so I can't speak to what he saw while he was waiting to jump in. Besides it was only 45 minutes out of 7 hours of riding. I mean he had to pedal the rest of the way....do you think that I screwed this director thing up? My wife is going to be pissed if I did.
TE: Why is that?
SaS: I told her this was my chance to crack the big time, to make it into a managerial role in cycling. She wanted me to clean the pool that day and I put her off....I promised to take her to France next summer since I figured after this I would get a job with Garmin or Columbia. Where do you think I stand now? Am I going to have to spring for a trip on my dime to Europe now?
TE: I don't know what else happened in the race?
SaS: Well, I did not want to leave anything to chance, so I had Skip attack the group alone.
TE: So he got clear solo and "won"?
SaS: Not exactly....
TE: Do tell....
SaS: We decided to have Team E'ville go to the front and blister the tempo...
TE: To chase your own guy?
SaS: Hey, we had to make the race hard man...
TE: So did you bring him back?
SaS: With a shit load of chasing, we rounded Skip back up.
TE: So bring it home.
SaS: It ended as a group, well minus the tandem that was not supposed to be there and the O.D. got across the line first.
TE: So what do you know about electronics?
SaS: What do you mean?
TE: I was just wondering what department you were going to work in at Best Buy to pay for that trip to Europe.
SaS: Dammit
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
The World Today.
I try to keep this blog extremely meaningless. I figure that it is generally an escape from the shit hole we live in lately.
That being said, I have to think that it is time for us to really give serious, serious consideration to Bart Simpson as a realistic political candidate. Every time that I turn on CNN, Fox or any other news source, I see blow hard politicians rambling about turning this country around, when they haven't done shit. Did they do anything previously? Nope. Are they gonna do anything? Nope.
Why would anyone spend 11 million of their own money to get a job that pays under $300,000.00?
Bart had to do detention for saying the truth.
From the island of E'ville,
THE Enmark
Monday, July 7, 2008
RAIN in the air......
And to think that they could go to an NRC race on Saturday in Lousiville instead.....
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Killer....
My friend Joe is always after me to get on a bike that he sells and rightfully so, he always helps me out, so I should ride something that he sells. After seeing pictures of this, I could get into a carbon Giant. That thing is bad ass. I bet George is pumped to be on bike that is that cool after all of those years on T-Wrecks.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Lucky Dog....
Last week, my wife and I went for a bike ride. It was the first time that just she and I have been able to get out this year, or last for that matter. Since having kids, it has become a less common occurrence than it used to be, but we are trying to make time to ride together more. We used to ride once or twice a week together years ago, even going so far as to sit on trainers side by side in the basement over the winter, so it is pretty cool that we are able to get out on the road again. I was looking forward to our ride I have to say.
We went out, cruising slow, rolling along and chatting, actually having fun on the bike. This is not something that one becomes accustomed too on most of the rides that I do. Even when I invite the O.D. on an easy ride, he is trying to go too fast, so I was certainly enjoying the change of pace. It was nice to actually enjoy riding, without concern for heart rate zones, power files or where we could find deer at.
We were rolling in toward Newburgh from Chandler, when a white Pitbull came charging toward us. Thinking quickly, I maneuvered between my wife and the dog, trying to get her out of the way.
I am of course a gentleman.
As the dog got closer, there was nothing but large white teeth showing. They appeared to be freshly sharpened based on the razor edges and gleaming caps. It appeared that he had what was left of a Sidi emblem on his back molar, so I knew that he had killed before, he had taken down a fellow cyclist. He saw me and knew that he would not have to eat again until Spring with this kill. He had declared war.
As he approached, now inches from my heel, I knew it was time to react. I decided to go all Hunter Smith on him (For you tards out there who don't follow football, that is the punter for the Indianapolis Colts. He can knock some serious hang time out of the pigskin, which is a football for all of you tards still reading).
I started planning my attack.
First I was going to drop kick his jaw, which I suspected would send him flying back into his yard. Then I planned on the cyclo-cross dismount, letting my bike roll into the ditch, so that I could quickly grab the dog while he was stunned. I was going to use a massive headlock/choke hold on him and occasionally dunk his head into the water in the ditch, while telling him that he was my bitch. After that, I was going to stand up and hurl him across the road. While he lie there wondering what the hell just happened, I was going to rip the dog's owners mailbox post out and beat the tar out of him. I couldn't decide if I was going to fold him up and stuff him in the mailbox or use the spare tube that I had and tie him to the stump of the mailbox post to show my fellow cycling brethren that we can fight back.
Then my wife squirted water on the dog and he ran.
He is lucky she got between us cause he was going down..........
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
We went out, cruising slow, rolling along and chatting, actually having fun on the bike. This is not something that one becomes accustomed too on most of the rides that I do. Even when I invite the O.D. on an easy ride, he is trying to go too fast, so I was certainly enjoying the change of pace. It was nice to actually enjoy riding, without concern for heart rate zones, power files or where we could find deer at.
We were rolling in toward Newburgh from Chandler, when a white Pitbull came charging toward us. Thinking quickly, I maneuvered between my wife and the dog, trying to get her out of the way.
I am of course a gentleman.
As the dog got closer, there was nothing but large white teeth showing. They appeared to be freshly sharpened based on the razor edges and gleaming caps. It appeared that he had what was left of a Sidi emblem on his back molar, so I knew that he had killed before, he had taken down a fellow cyclist. He saw me and knew that he would not have to eat again until Spring with this kill. He had declared war.
As he approached, now inches from my heel, I knew it was time to react. I decided to go all Hunter Smith on him (For you tards out there who don't follow football, that is the punter for the Indianapolis Colts. He can knock some serious hang time out of the pigskin, which is a football for all of you tards still reading).
I started planning my attack.
First I was going to drop kick his jaw, which I suspected would send him flying back into his yard. Then I planned on the cyclo-cross dismount, letting my bike roll into the ditch, so that I could quickly grab the dog while he was stunned. I was going to use a massive headlock/choke hold on him and occasionally dunk his head into the water in the ditch, while telling him that he was my bitch. After that, I was going to stand up and hurl him across the road. While he lie there wondering what the hell just happened, I was going to rip the dog's owners mailbox post out and beat the tar out of him. I couldn't decide if I was going to fold him up and stuff him in the mailbox or use the spare tube that I had and tie him to the stump of the mailbox post to show my fellow cycling brethren that we can fight back.
Then my wife squirted water on the dog and he ran.
He is lucky she got between us cause he was going down..........
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Team E'ville
Ladies & Gentlemen:
Introducing Team E'ville....the new kits are in. There is already interest in a re-order, so let me know if you are interested in getting something.
Introducing Team E'ville....the new kits are in. There is already interest in a re-order, so let me know if you are interested in getting something.
Holy Smokes! LeMond's TT secret published!
This just in!
Recent events have indicated that Tom Boonen was working with LeMond to get ready for the Tour.
Turns out Greg thought there was no way to win in '89, so he got all jacked up on the white funny powder and figured he would role into Paris easier than the Germans did. Come to find out, when you are all hopped up, you get a little hyper. He thought that he was just taking it easy, strolling into to Paris looking forward to a Bill Clinton like night with interns, hookers, Gina Gershon and what ever else he could land. In the end he was so whacked that he went faster than a Peugeot and won the tour, all because of the funny powder training plan.
Boonen talked to Greg about what to do for the Tour, because in every doping trial ever they call to talk with Greg according to him, and was advised that Cocaine is not on the banned list outside of competition. With that, Tomke felt that he was all good and got whacked out of his mind with visions of Green Jersey's dancing in his head (and images of Gina Gershon).
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Perspective
I have been kicked around by all kinds of people on bikes. I have been beaten by guys who should not beat me, as well as those who have no trouble doing so. I usually can tell the difference between the good ones and the bad ones. I have a vast history of receiving ass whippin's on a varying scale.
While the
can dish out some destruction. He is not at the level of a guy who can race with Pros. Sorry, Punisher. You are a pimp, but not an uber pimp.
Jinglehammer got invited to race at Nature Valley. The one with real Pros. Guys who will one day be his peers. Kick their ass hammer.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
While the
can dish out some destruction. He is not at the level of a guy who can race with Pros. Sorry, Punisher. You are a pimp, but not an uber pimp.
Jinglehammer got invited to race at Nature Valley. The one with real Pros. Guys who will one day be his peers. Kick their ass hammer.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Saturday, June 7, 2008
G-Man...... Doing the lords work
As I have mentioned in a previous post, G-Man and I have found a cause that we can unite behind. I have been fairly busy with work and life, but G-Man is doing his part, helping make the world a better place. I was able to take a minute the other day to conduct a brief interview with him to analyze his progress.
The Enmark: So G-Man, how has the volunteer work with Save the Ta-Ta's been going? Is it as fulfilling as you had hoped?
G-Man: It has been crazy! Once I found this great cause, I knew that I had to rally behind it. I really took a step back to figure out where I could have the most immediate impact. I decided to head to Blue's Martini Lounge and offer my expertise. I used my incredibly acute natural Ta-Ta instincts, which are almost ninja like, to find the girl who needed the most help, so to speak. I can help those with silicone, but it is a difficult process and I wanted to make the most immediate impact. It took 3 hours to assess those DD's. I have carpel tunnel now, but I can assure you that she is currently cancer free!
The Enmark: That must have been quite an experience! You have already begun helping people.
G-Man: It was quite an experience. The first time, I was brought to tears. I mean, I can't believe they fall for this...err, it is so great to get to help people in need.
The Enmark: Some of your opponents think that you are not a certified health professional and that your "diagnosis" is not sound medical advice. What do you say to them?
G-Man: I have studied Ta-Ta's my whole life! Not only that, I am compelled to help. I am committed to this being my legacy. All in all, I know Ta-Ta's.
The Enmark: So you think that your detractors are full of it?
G-Man: I am doing the lords work. It is my calling and I will perform this service until I am gray and old.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Friday, June 6, 2008
Makes you wonder?
The T-Rent asked for some help selling his rig that he stacked it on a while back. I offered to help him out, knowing that he is a bit inept when it comes to bikes, taking them apart and so on.
What I didn't know is he is also inept at using a rag on them. I am not sure that welding the parts onto the bike could have bonded them on any tighter than the grime that was holding them in place. I found this discerning, knowing that T-Rent is smart enough to know better.
Whit told me more than once that you can't win on a dirty bike. This is a guy who has won more races than most of us will ever start, so I figured he knew what he was talking about. I would train with him all spring and his bike would look like it had been smeared in dog shit the entire time. He would not be able to get out of his own way on rides and both he and his bike looked horrific. Then, the weather would turn, he would show up on what used to be a bike smeared in dog shit, now gleaming and sparkling clean and promptly kick the shit out of everyone. That bike would always be clean while he was raging. Once it started getting dirty again, I knew the pain and suffering was close to stopping.
So back to T-Rent. He always bitches about his lack of results, but he never has a clean bike. I think that there is a correlation here. I decided to dig deeper, to try to get to the root cause of problem. How could a bike racer let their race equipment end up looking like this? Even the Punisher says if you can't be pro you should look it. I was getting concerned that Whit might not want this secret to get out. Maybe I am spilling the beans on something that shouldn't be made public?
I had to take my research farther. I decided to look into T-Rent's family background. Everyone blames everything on that anyway, so I figured it made sense to start there. I dug up this picture of he and his sister and decided to leave well enough alone.
I will clean the bike up and sell it, without asking any additional questions.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
What I didn't know is he is also inept at using a rag on them. I am not sure that welding the parts onto the bike could have bonded them on any tighter than the grime that was holding them in place. I found this discerning, knowing that T-Rent is smart enough to know better.
Whit told me more than once that you can't win on a dirty bike. This is a guy who has won more races than most of us will ever start, so I figured he knew what he was talking about. I would train with him all spring and his bike would look like it had been smeared in dog shit the entire time. He would not be able to get out of his own way on rides and both he and his bike looked horrific. Then, the weather would turn, he would show up on what used to be a bike smeared in dog shit, now gleaming and sparkling clean and promptly kick the shit out of everyone. That bike would always be clean while he was raging. Once it started getting dirty again, I knew the pain and suffering was close to stopping.
So back to T-Rent. He always bitches about his lack of results, but he never has a clean bike. I think that there is a correlation here. I decided to dig deeper, to try to get to the root cause of problem. How could a bike racer let their race equipment end up looking like this? Even the Punisher says if you can't be pro you should look it. I was getting concerned that Whit might not want this secret to get out. Maybe I am spilling the beans on something that shouldn't be made public?
I had to take my research farther. I decided to look into T-Rent's family background. Everyone blames everything on that anyway, so I figured it made sense to start there. I dug up this picture of he and his sister and decided to leave well enough alone.
I will clean the bike up and sell it, without asking any additional questions.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Thursday, June 5, 2008
The Blue Coats
Anyone in this country who has ever taken a history class can remember that our forefathers had a problem with the Red Coats. The British had tyrannical rule over the colonies and it took a massive tea party to right the wrong and set us on our way to independence. It took a rebellious bunch, with panache and unheralded vision to make us into our own nation. They hated the Red Coats and rose up and defeated them.
The officials at the USCF have taken on the nickname, the Blue Coats, primarily for their greater than thee, this is a real sport attitude. Everyone knows that kids ride bikes to get away from their house and experience freedom while they are growing up and eventually they get cars and make Arabs rich. Adults riding bikes are stuck somewhere in between, but are still trying to get out and experience some freedom. We race around pretending we are kids again. It is not to be taken seriously, especially by anyone who takes on the role of officiating grown adults riding bikes. There were no officials in sandlot baseball and it usually worked out. Other than a way to develop cool shit with carbon, bicycle racing is pretty much a kids game that adults can play to escape life for a little bit.
I recently had a run in with one of the Blue Coats. I have not been riding or training as much recently, so I wasn't confident that I could keep up with the other "kids". I have not purchased a racing license, so I am theoretically a "citizen" racer. I decided to do a "training" race while on a business trip recently since I was in town and it was convenient. A "training" race is a pretend bike race, not to be confused with real bike races. So to catch you up, it is grown adults, pretending to be kids again doing a pretend race. Once again, not something to be taken seriously.
In order to do the pretend race, I had to purchase a license for one day. I had decided to do the "B" race which was not the fastest pretenders doing the "A" race, but the second fastest pretenders. There was also a "C" race, which is for new riders. I did not feel like I should be in the new rider race, so I asked if I could do the 30+ B race and not do the C race. That was fine with the promoter, but not with the Blue Coat. Apparently, 15 years of supporting the USCF and having a license is not enough. I was relegated to citizen status just like that, no check for a license, no category racing.
I am still perplexed on how I did not fit into a race that was relegated by an age category when I am the correct age range for the event? Must be Blue Coat math, similar to Bush's fuzzy math.
It just goes to show, if you get a coat, no matter if it is red or blue, you can no longer operate with any cognitive thinking process and must try to oppress those around you.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Monday, June 2, 2008
PIMP!
If you ever wondered what a pimp looks like.....it is not T-Rent. Although his purple suit surely help his cause. His ho's step back when he raises his pimp hand, but he is not the real deal.
If you want to know what a pimp looks like, then look no further than Jens. That is true pimpness.
Good thing that the Punisher won't wear purple. He might try to mix the street pimp and Jens, which could cause some major confusion on group rides.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Midgets
You know you are bordering on midget status when your bike does not come up past the trim line on your truck. It barely gets to the two tone line on the super truck. Don Ricardo must have picked up a bike for Carter, cause this thing looks little. I can't quite figure out how the training wheels attach, but I am sure he will get them on there.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
The Evil Web of Doping!
The O.D. recently gave me a pair of bib shorts. He claimed that he didn't need them, they didn't fit him and I would probably be better off with them anyway. I did not think much of it at the time, but I appreciated them and never suspected anything. I had no reason to believe there was anything underhanded going on. Then I receive this email from Smooth as Silk:
Dave, I was reading the comment that the doper left about his article. Does the doped up shorts have a deer penis in the pad to give you a real high when riding? Why did you get a pair of these shorts? Is there something that you have been hiding from us?
Silk
I felt like my world was crumbling. I had crossed the line to the land of the doper. The two people who read this are going to think that I had moved into the realm of doping. I had to react, so I sent this reply:
I suspect that the shorts were either a gesture to make me complicit, therefore giving him someone to turn on in the event that he gets busted or simply an attempt to make me go faster to quit ruining his training rides by going so slow. I don’t think I received the deer version, because I was only mildly faster when I rode in them. You probably have to build up a tolerance through angelica root and turtle blood before you can go for the hardcore deer penis.
Seeing as how I took a power washer to the chamois, I may have offset any potential benefit prior to the ride. I have noticed that the spiders in my driveway, where I power washed said chamois are now one foot wide and two feet tall and my kids are riding them. I guess I shouldn’t have taken the
The Enmark
Monday, May 26, 2008
More F'n Rain!
I am so sick of the rain. Every time I have the opportunity to get a ride in. It is F**kin' raining. What a shit spring.
I was looking for something to get my spirits up and I stumbled across this picture. I forgot how funny it was. I wish I could be this Macho.
From the island that is apparently going to sink in all the F**kin' rain,
The Enmark
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Observation of the Year!
Josh showed up for the group ride today on some new bike power. I hadn't seen him for a while, but having just had baby number 3 (Eden) he gets a pass, so it was the first time that I had seen the new rig. His old LeMond broke, so they gave him the option of getting their new carbon bike. It is pretty sweet and it certainly screams speed.
After talking with Josh about how much he likes it, Shane did have one observation on the new model. It was with out a doubt, one of the funniest things I have heard in a good while. Shane wanted to know if the new model came with a bur on the saddle, to make the purchaser an insufferable prick, just like Greg. Thus far he is winning funniest ride comment of the year.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
WWJD- The true Punisher
I figured something out today. Right now 4 hours is the barrier for me. Being pathetic, this is probably a vast improvement, but it is still a hard stop, because hour 5 was ugly. 91
miles later, I made it home, but like I said, the last bit was UGLY.
While Jens was doing his thing slogging it in the break in Giro, I was slogging it on the back of the local group ride trying to make it home in one piece while never taking a single pull. I have mad skills at dodging turns.
Jens on the other hand, would gladly take his turn, plus yours. Jens is a pimp.......I suck. Hopefully, I turn a corner soon and can use the WWJD mantra.
Slowly creeping back on the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Friday, May 23, 2008
Doping Secret's Revealed
I have been informed by one of my "in the know" informants (smooth as silk) that he has stumbled into some of the dirty little secrets of doping. One of those secrets was reported in the April 1st USA Today.
Here is the low down: Deer penis, turtle blood and angelica root potions have joined steroids and amphetamines on the list of banned drugs for Chinese Olympians.
After I received this information, I was forced to re-evaluate my time riding with the O.D. (Original Doper).
I could never understand why every fall we had to ride to all of the deer check in stations, but we always did. O.D. claimed to be in love with nature and a huge fan of 12 point bucs. Turns out, he is into bucs alright. No interest in doe's what so ever. The puzzle is beginning to make more and more sense.
Then I backed up into some of the early spring rides through the Bluegrass Wildlife area, where for no explicable reason, he would tear off through a field toward one of the many fishing holes and dive in head first. He claimed it was to force himself to hold his breath to increase his anaerobic threshold, but I suspect he was just chasing turtle blood. He would casually pop up from under the water like Rambo with 2-3 turtles in his hands claiming that they might make it as pets for his kids. I have been to his house, they don't have any turtles for pets. He is on the stuff.
Now that he has picked up running, he disappears in the woods for hours on end. He claims to be working on a half marathon, but I think that he has to crawl out with all of the angelica root he is carrying.
We are going to continually monitor this story, but if for no reason, he hops off of his bike to mount a doe, I am calling the UCI & PETA.
Last Second Addition: Suzuki Shane noticed that the the O.D. lives on Deer Trail. Honestly, he really has a physical address with Deer Trail as the street. It was probably a ploy to throw off WADA and not have a Rasmusen incident.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Time is standing still!!!!!!!
All of the clocks in my house have stopped......I think that the world is coming to an end. Armageddon is here!!!!!
Bill Stone has done a time trial. Even worse, he has publicly acknowledged the fact. This is the man who taught me to never confess and he goes and does this. This is like finding out that Mighty Mouse isn't real. I offer the supporting material at Truesport. It is a sad day when the biggest proponent for anti TT'ing caves to the pressure of his new team. Even worse when he admits it.
It is that crazy liberal Druber. I blame him. That can be the only explanation. He would never do this on his own. The axis of evil is at work.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
The G-Man & I.....beacons of hope
I talked to the G-Man the other day and during our conversation, we came to the realization that we felt like the world is falling apart. There are parts of the world starving, people in need from earthquake damage and flooding, a world at war with no end in sight. What are we doing to make the world better?
Here at home, fuel has hit an all time high and people right here at home are losing their homes at an alarming rate to foreclosures. There has never been a more dismal period in this country and the future leaders running for office don't leave much hope for a better tomorrow.
Someone has to act. That someone is G-Man and I. We are going to pitch in. We are going to do our part.
We decided that we can't be these old guys who bitch, but offer no solutions. We racked our brains and decided, what cause can we really offer our support too, where can we make a difference? We knew where we could end the suffering:
Please join us in our fight to save the Ta-Ta's. We can only do it with your help. Offer up a free breast screening today. You can help.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Here at home, fuel has hit an all time high and people right here at home are losing their homes at an alarming rate to foreclosures. There has never been a more dismal period in this country and the future leaders running for office don't leave much hope for a better tomorrow.
Someone has to act. That someone is G-Man and I. We are going to pitch in. We are going to do our part.
We decided that we can't be these old guys who bitch, but offer no solutions. We racked our brains and decided, what cause can we really offer our support too, where can we make a difference? We knew where we could end the suffering:
Please join us in our fight to save the Ta-Ta's. We can only do it with your help. Offer up a free breast screening today. You can help.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Maybe I should get into singing.....
Since I am too slow to ride, maybe I should look into a singing career.
SSSSSSlllllooooowwwww.
I am slow. In fact, I am extremely slow.
For the past few weeks, I have been doing the group ride, but it has not ended up with me in much of a group, primarily because I am way to slow to ride with the group. I have been riding once or twice a week, but apparently, that doesn't constitute enough training to remove me from the slow ranks. I have however progressed from the horrifically pathetic ranks to extremely slow.
Here are some marks of progress that I have noticed on my journey from horrifically pathetic to extremely slow:
1) While I still cry during rides, there are no longer enough tears to block out the information from the SRM, which has lightened the load that I carry in my jersey pocket since I no longer require a squeegee to clear it off.
2) I hit a non-wind aided top speed of 20 the other day on level ground. I called the folks at Guinness, but apparently they don't do records anymore, they just sell beer
3) No one suggests that I leave the 6:00 Tuesday ride start at 5:15 so that I can make it over Dragline with the group anymore (5:25 was strongly suggested though)
I will be on the lookout to see what it will take to make the transition from extremely slow to just plain slow. If I figure it out, I could progress once again.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
For the past few weeks, I have been doing the group ride, but it has not ended up with me in much of a group, primarily because I am way to slow to ride with the group. I have been riding once or twice a week, but apparently, that doesn't constitute enough training to remove me from the slow ranks. I have however progressed from the horrifically pathetic ranks to extremely slow.
Here are some marks of progress that I have noticed on my journey from horrifically pathetic to extremely slow:
1) While I still cry during rides, there are no longer enough tears to block out the information from the SRM, which has lightened the load that I carry in my jersey pocket since I no longer require a squeegee to clear it off.
2) I hit a non-wind aided top speed of 20 the other day on level ground. I called the folks at Guinness, but apparently they don't do records anymore, they just sell beer
3) No one suggests that I leave the 6:00 Tuesday ride start at 5:15 so that I can make it over Dragline with the group anymore (5:25 was strongly suggested though)
I will be on the lookout to see what it will take to make the transition from extremely slow to just plain slow. If I figure it out, I could progress once again.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
A new title for Skip
Let it now be known, that Greg "Skip" Frasier is here to for, only to be referred to as the Punisher. This title is bestowed unto him due to the proper ass kicking he has been laying down on the group rides, with monstrous pulls at insane speeds after references to the leash that his wife has on him pinching his neck too hard. It is this leash that has forced him to be home quickly and thus has him punishing us with insane speeds to make our ride fit his schedule. All hail the Punisher.
From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark
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