The Glorious Debut of Team E'ville!!!!!

On the 12th of July, Team E'ville participated in The Ride Across Indiana.

While this event is not officially on the UCI, the USCF, Daly's Cycling Circus Extravaganza or any other legitimate race schedule, it is well known that it is a full fledged race, albeit it has no sanctioning. In fact it is so race like, there are only a few missing items, like officials, rules, a prize list or everyone that is in attendance aware that they are at a competitive event. With this being the M.O. of the "race that is RAIN", Astana was forced to withdraw at the last minute, leaving only Team E'ville as the major favorite.

I had originally planned to attend the event in a supportive roll, from a car in air conditioning, before realizing that my time would be better served watching the Tour on TV and mowing my lawn, so I handed the reins of Team E'ville over to our new director sportiff, Smooth as Silk.



He was extremely nervous about this new found responsibility and immediately went out and bought Johan's new book about coaching Lance to all of those Tour wins. I appreciated his enthusiasm, but had him read an article by famed Thunder Ranch owner Clint Smith instead, called "Always cheat, always win".

Clint is a world renowned trainer in the firearms industry, working with many government agencies and the military. He is what many would call the trainer of gun fighters. I figured with an event as important as RAIN, why leave anything to chance with simple cycling coaching. Once he realized that one gun is none and two is good, I knew he was ready to step up to a full fledged leadership role. He took to the always cheat, always win mantra and set about his task. Victory to Team E'ville would not be denied!

I decided to interview Smooth as Silk after the event, to get into the mind of the man who could lead such a team to victory in a tourist event.

TE: So where did your riders end up yesterday?

SaS: We won! The O.D. pulled it out. Once I talked the promoter into acknowledging that Tandems aren't really bikes and they get into your way at the Hilly Hundred and should be banned, he removed them from the race.

TE: So Team E'ville was victorious! How did it play out?

SaS: Well the weather was shit on Saturday morning, so I had the O.D. stay in Terre Haute and skip coming to the start. I figure 160+ miles is a long ass way and there is no sense in tiring the entire squad out with riding them all. They say cycling is like a book of matches and I figure we kept a few by avoiding the start and just jumping in the group up the road.

TE: That sounds very Clint like...always cheat, always win.

SaS: Exactly! There was no need to have everyone go to the start line. We all ride in the same kit. No one was counting how many guys were there.

TE: So how did the race unfold after that.

SaS: It was smooth to Indy, then the O.D. had a mishap. He managed to flat. I was in a quandary as a director at that point. He was one of our superstars, but did not have an extra wheel. I know what you are thinking, why would you take on an event like that with no spare wheels and no means to change a flat, but he is a star, so it was my job to support him. I ended up giving him Skip's wheel and getting him back to the group.

TE: But that was not without controversy?

SaS: No, I am afraid not. I was forced to motor pace him back to the group, but he got in safely.

TE: So that is the controversy?

SaS: I think there are some people who just don't understand European cycling. That is how you get riders back.

TE: So how long did it take to get him back?

SaS: 45 minutes

TE: You motor paced a rider for 45 minutes?

SaS: Hey in Europe they pace them back up.....

TE: But they issue time and cash fines for receiving too much assistance from the follow car...45 minutes? Sounds like you didn't read Clint's words, you memorized them. Always cheat, Always win huh?

SaS: Hey smart ass....I wanted him back in the race and I got it done. Sure I took some heckling from other riders, support people, and two little kids were laughing at me, but this is a major event, this was some of our guys whole season....I stand by my decision to get him back into the group.

If I had to do it again, I would have just had him throw the bike in the truck and had him jump back in later like we did at the start, but there were just too many witnesses to worry about at that point of the race, so I paced him back up.

TE: So is it safe to say that this was the view of your rider for the majority of RAIN?


SaS: Not the majority...he didn't even do the start, so I can't speak to what he saw while he was waiting to jump in. Besides it was only 45 minutes out of 7 hours of riding. I mean he had to pedal the rest of the way....do you think that I screwed this director thing up? My wife is going to be pissed if I did.

TE: Why is that?

SaS: I told her this was my chance to crack the big time, to make it into a managerial role in cycling. She wanted me to clean the pool that day and I put her off....I promised to take her to France next summer since I figured after this I would get a job with Garmin or Columbia. Where do you think I stand now? Am I going to have to spring for a trip on my dime to Europe now?

TE: I don't know what else happened in the race?

SaS: Well, I did not want to leave anything to chance, so I had Skip attack the group alone.

TE: So he got clear solo and "won"?

SaS: Not exactly....

TE: Do tell....

SaS: We decided to have Team E'ville go to the front and blister the tempo...

TE: To chase your own guy?

SaS: Hey, we had to make the race hard man...

TE: So did you bring him back?

SaS: With a shit load of chasing, we rounded Skip back up.

TE: So bring it home.

SaS: It ended as a group, well minus the tandem that was not supposed to be there and the O.D. got across the line first.

TE: So what do you know about electronics?

SaS: What do you mean?

TE: I was just wondering what department you were going to work in at Best Buy to pay for that trip to Europe.

SaS: Dammit

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark