More work to do......

on saving Suzuki. Now that Amy is out of play, SS is still trying to decide between an internet porn amateur, i.e. Coco from Chandler or a full on reality skank. It is a tough call, but I hear Daisy's uncle is a tough mug.

Decisions Decisions.

Saved....

I saved Shane's marriage this weekend.

While it may have seemed like my ill timed meltdown was a ride ruining shit bomb, it was actually divine intervention.

Let me explain.



This past weekend, the Long Island Lolita, Amy Fisher, was stripping at Score's on the island of E'ville. While this does not sound like anything all that enticing, short of meeting Coco from Chandler, this was the holy grail for the S man. He had plans of talking Amy into running away together on a screaming Suzuki 450, with nothing but mud in their wake and sex tapes in their future.

My implosion delayed Shane's arrival at Scores and some Joey Buttafuoco look alike had beaten him to the punch. Now he is stuck focusing on Coco.

Doing the lords work,

The Enmark

Here come the MIB's.....

Me and the club century don't get along. I have done some other centuries this year, last year, and years prior with no problems, but whenever it is a club century---not so much. Poor Shane has to go get treated for radiation exposure tonight after the catastrophic nuclear blast that let go near Dale, IN today. Worst part? The wind was in your face for the rest of the ride. I am sure that the rapid 12 mph pace I was rippin' was impressive for tricycle racing, but it sucked for getting home.

Now the worst part....



These two were waiting to speak with me in my driveway about the UFO crash in Dale...

Breaking News Flash!!!!!!

A few weeks ago, Skip was allegedly attacked by a motorist while on a Saturday group ride. It was the day before Easter, so knowing that most people were going to be forced into family obligations, angry motorists seemed like a realistic thing to encounter. His story was quite plausible.

According to his account, he was putting a jacket away, or such, he was stopped and berated by a motorist for riding on the road. He was threatened with physical violence and felt lucky to escape. Luckily for Skip, he was unharmed, able to resume his Saturday ride and eventually, with a shit load of solo riding, regain contact with the group.

I did some digging into the police blotter from that weekend and found a disturbing piece that has raised question with Skips account. It leads me to believe that the massive effort to regain the group was not so much about completing the ride with the group, but was actually about runnin' from the law.

It turns out the the motorist was driving a Volvo wagon. After obsessing over a Volvo wagon and being under the pressure of family commitments surrounding Easter weekend, Skip must have snapped. According to police reports, an angry cyclist attacked a Volvo driving motorist at a stop sign in northern Evansville. The cyclist attempted to carjack the Volvo, first trying to put his bike on the roof and then attempting to remove the occupants from the vehicle. Witness's stated that the cyclist in question continually beat on the glass, tried to take the vehicle and upon realizing that the carjacking had gone awry, remounted his bicycle and left in a cloud of dust and anger.

He could be heard spouting for miles, "All I wanted was a Volvo wagon"

The investigation is ongoing.

Are you part of the problem????

I have figured out how to fix the economy.

Skip has money. He won't use it, but he has it. It is time for him to pump some coin back in....





Tell the old lady you are coming home with these Skip. You are doing it for your country, for your fellow man. Be an American.

You need to pick up these, your S3 and a Volvo......and man up. I will talk to the SRAM guys and get you a price on the pimped Volvo.

Now they did it......

Apparently, Iraq is treating Fitz well. He has named himself king of the desert and assumed a throne. Amazingly, it isn't connected to plumbing. He has found the beach, but said that it is one hell of a walk to the ocean.

Next week he hopes to loot an Audi.




Mr. Potato head at a pond. $20 says he pee'd in it.

Oh Beautiful......

It has been a killer week for American Cycling





First, Skip professes his man love for the world to hear through song and then the Garmin team decides that kicking the shit out of the EuroDogs is the way to roll. CVV and Farrar are killer.

On another note, I am thinking about introducing Trent to Skip. Trent might be persuaded to leave the ultra right wing conservative, Ann Coulter worshiping world and man up for some time with Skip. Maybe Harry would be jealous and we can put all of this behind us.

I lay $50 that I could get Nancy Pelosi to video tape it. She is from San Fran after all.

From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark

You don't bring me flowers anymore.....

Skip loves Harry.


A couple of weeks ago, Harry was in town to visit some family. He rode with us both days he was here. Skip was no where to be found on Saturday, but was upset when he had not heard from Harry. He frantically called Suzuki on Saturday to find out if Harry was really here. He was devastated when he found out Harry was here and did not call.

Skip made sure to make it to the Sunday ride, nothing could obstruct his passion. The jilted lover said, "He comes into town and never calls. He was in my wedding!" When Harry arrived for the Sunday ride, Skip gave him shit, which of course Harry had a beautiful retort for regarding the fact that Skip was always out running when he comes to town.

Eventually, Skip's heart healed from the pain.....but all I hear is the song You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore by Neil Diamond and Barbara Streisand....

I thought I would include the lyrics with both parts so that you two could sing it together.....Harry, why don't you take Neil's part....

Barbra
You don't bring me flowers
You don't sing me love songs
Neil
You hardly talk to me anymore
When you come through that door at the end of the day...
Barbra
I remember when you couldn't wait to love me
Used to hate to leave me
Now after loving me late at night
Neil
When its good for you, babe
And you're feeling all right
Barbra
When you just roll over and turn out the light...
And you don't bring me flowers anymore
Neil
It used to be so natural
Barbra
It used to be...
Neil
To talk about forever
Barbra
Mmm...
Neil
But used-to-be's don't count anymore
They just lay on the floor
Till we sweep them away
Barbra
And baby I remember all the things you taught me
Neil
I learned how to laugh and I learned how to cry
Barbra
Well, I learned how to love and I learned how to lie
Neil
So you think I could learn how to tell you goodbye
Barbra
So you think I could learn how to tell you goodbye
You don't bring me flowers any more...
Both
Well, you think I could learn how to tell you goodbye...
Neil
cause you don't say you need me;
Barbra
You don't sing me love songs;
Both
You don't bring me flowers anymore...

Ruining relationships the world over,
The Enmark

Champ or Chump?

I have been watching a fair amount of the Tour of California. I did not have time or fitness to race last year and I was pretty removed from most things cycling related. This year I am trying to make more time for it. Being a bike geek, that includes making time to watch the Tour of California.

For years I have tried to cheer for George Hincapie. He is an American, he was always second fiddle to Lance, so I felt like he needed someone to cheer for him. But as time has gone on, he continually pisses me off. I remember watching Tafi ride away with his Flanders victory while they all stared at each other wondering what just happened. Don't even get me started on Roubaix. Remember when he blistered the prologue of the Tour? 2nd to Thor. The G-Man and I talked at length about George a couple of times on boring training rides and we came to the agreement that he would be on Rock Racing with Freddie Rodriguez if it weren't for Lance. You can't continue to get close results and get a contract.

So yesterday, I see him in the break and I start cheering for either he or Christian to win. Then I watched another race slip away for him.

Stapleton has to be cheering the day he signed Cavendish. That way he is guaranteed to win something. I can't decide if George is a champ or a chump.

From the island of E'ville,
The Enmark

G-Man......houchie hunting

I talked with the G-Man last week. With Arizona making the superbowl, his tactic of picking up chicks by being Edgerrin James is encountering some opposition. Turns out with all of this publicity, the early 20 somethings have figured out that this 40 year old white guy might not be NFL material.

Who woulda thunk it??

Hiding......

I think it is about time to come out of hiding....

The Giant for The Enmark........

So......

you want to see the slowest Ridley on earth?

Here it is:

T-Rent's new rig....all show.....no go





Take note that it is in the little chain ring in the pics....as it always will be. Keep your eye posted on eBay for a lightly used 53 tooth chain ring. I doubt he can go fast enough to get it there.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Been busy doing.. Research???

I am taking the liberty and Hijacking The Enmarks Blog. As i type this he is either in stand by hell, or managed to get on a flight from O'Hare. I wish him happy travels.

I AM penalizing him for the unofficial rule of 'no posts for over a month result in hijacking'.. and YES, i did just make that up.

I did get this image from him, all i can guess is that he has been busy exploring ... his flip flaps??
Perhaps thats why he is AWOL from the bike and even threatening to no show for Hilly

On a side bar - Trent is a confirmed No Show for Hilly, apparently sitting hungover for the Sunday ride left him damaged and unable to attend this year

Travel Observations

I have been traveling a lot lately. I don't really like it much, but I have to do it, so I tolerate it. Since I have to tolerate it, I figure I should take it all in. Here are some things I have noticed while I have been seeing the U.S. lately.



Most Asian people bring enormous carry on bags with half of Hong Kong stuffed into them, yet most of them can't reach the over head bin. This is a problem, since they expect you to help them get it into the bin for them. If you find yourself in this situation, don't do it. Make them follow the golden rule, if you can't lift it, check it. That way I don't have to wait for your stupid ass to get help to get it down when we land. Do us all a favor.



Everyone has an iPod. Everyone. And they insist on using it right until the last possible second, forcing the flight attendant to make them turn it off. I seriously doubt that they have ever tracked the cause of a plane crashing to the use of an iPod, but they want them turned off, so do it early so I don't have to watch the flight attendant tap your stupid ass since you can't hear them.

*As a side note, I have found great fun in mouthing words to people in the terminal or on the plane, without actually saying anything, forcing them to jack with their volume. Nothing is more fun than forcing someone zoned out with an iPod into conversation. Try it.



Airlines Suck. Now that they are finally figuring out that they have a failing business model, they are giving you less and less service for more money. The newest profitability craze is to charge you for checked bags, which in turn lends itself to half of Hong Kong making it's way into the carry on section as we have previously discussed. With this rise in costs, people are now resorting to putting their kids in the overhead bins so that they can actually afford to get to Grandma's.



Where is America headed?

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Demoted...

Former director of Team E'ville......



Now glorified water carrier for the O.D.

Training for Rain-----O.D. Style

The Glorious Debut of Team E'ville!!!!!

On the 12th of July, Team E'ville participated in The Ride Across Indiana.

While this event is not officially on the UCI, the USCF, Daly's Cycling Circus Extravaganza or any other legitimate race schedule, it is well known that it is a full fledged race, albeit it has no sanctioning. In fact it is so race like, there are only a few missing items, like officials, rules, a prize list or everyone that is in attendance aware that they are at a competitive event. With this being the M.O. of the "race that is RAIN", Astana was forced to withdraw at the last minute, leaving only Team E'ville as the major favorite.

I had originally planned to attend the event in a supportive roll, from a car in air conditioning, before realizing that my time would be better served watching the Tour on TV and mowing my lawn, so I handed the reins of Team E'ville over to our new director sportiff, Smooth as Silk.



He was extremely nervous about this new found responsibility and immediately went out and bought Johan's new book about coaching Lance to all of those Tour wins. I appreciated his enthusiasm, but had him read an article by famed Thunder Ranch owner Clint Smith instead, called "Always cheat, always win".

Clint is a world renowned trainer in the firearms industry, working with many government agencies and the military. He is what many would call the trainer of gun fighters. I figured with an event as important as RAIN, why leave anything to chance with simple cycling coaching. Once he realized that one gun is none and two is good, I knew he was ready to step up to a full fledged leadership role. He took to the always cheat, always win mantra and set about his task. Victory to Team E'ville would not be denied!

I decided to interview Smooth as Silk after the event, to get into the mind of the man who could lead such a team to victory in a tourist event.

TE: So where did your riders end up yesterday?

SaS: We won! The O.D. pulled it out. Once I talked the promoter into acknowledging that Tandems aren't really bikes and they get into your way at the Hilly Hundred and should be banned, he removed them from the race.

TE: So Team E'ville was victorious! How did it play out?

SaS: Well the weather was shit on Saturday morning, so I had the O.D. stay in Terre Haute and skip coming to the start. I figure 160+ miles is a long ass way and there is no sense in tiring the entire squad out with riding them all. They say cycling is like a book of matches and I figure we kept a few by avoiding the start and just jumping in the group up the road.

TE: That sounds very Clint like...always cheat, always win.

SaS: Exactly! There was no need to have everyone go to the start line. We all ride in the same kit. No one was counting how many guys were there.

TE: So how did the race unfold after that.

SaS: It was smooth to Indy, then the O.D. had a mishap. He managed to flat. I was in a quandary as a director at that point. He was one of our superstars, but did not have an extra wheel. I know what you are thinking, why would you take on an event like that with no spare wheels and no means to change a flat, but he is a star, so it was my job to support him. I ended up giving him Skip's wheel and getting him back to the group.

TE: But that was not without controversy?

SaS: No, I am afraid not. I was forced to motor pace him back to the group, but he got in safely.

TE: So that is the controversy?

SaS: I think there are some people who just don't understand European cycling. That is how you get riders back.

TE: So how long did it take to get him back?

SaS: 45 minutes

TE: You motor paced a rider for 45 minutes?

SaS: Hey in Europe they pace them back up.....

TE: But they issue time and cash fines for receiving too much assistance from the follow car...45 minutes? Sounds like you didn't read Clint's words, you memorized them. Always cheat, Always win huh?

SaS: Hey smart ass....I wanted him back in the race and I got it done. Sure I took some heckling from other riders, support people, and two little kids were laughing at me, but this is a major event, this was some of our guys whole season....I stand by my decision to get him back into the group.

If I had to do it again, I would have just had him throw the bike in the truck and had him jump back in later like we did at the start, but there were just too many witnesses to worry about at that point of the race, so I paced him back up.

TE: So is it safe to say that this was the view of your rider for the majority of RAIN?


SaS: Not the majority...he didn't even do the start, so I can't speak to what he saw while he was waiting to jump in. Besides it was only 45 minutes out of 7 hours of riding. I mean he had to pedal the rest of the way....do you think that I screwed this director thing up? My wife is going to be pissed if I did.

TE: Why is that?

SaS: I told her this was my chance to crack the big time, to make it into a managerial role in cycling. She wanted me to clean the pool that day and I put her off....I promised to take her to France next summer since I figured after this I would get a job with Garmin or Columbia. Where do you think I stand now? Am I going to have to spring for a trip on my dime to Europe now?

TE: I don't know what else happened in the race?

SaS: Well, I did not want to leave anything to chance, so I had Skip attack the group alone.

TE: So he got clear solo and "won"?

SaS: Not exactly....

TE: Do tell....

SaS: We decided to have Team E'ville go to the front and blister the tempo...

TE: To chase your own guy?

SaS: Hey, we had to make the race hard man...

TE: So did you bring him back?

SaS: With a shit load of chasing, we rounded Skip back up.

TE: So bring it home.

SaS: It ended as a group, well minus the tandem that was not supposed to be there and the O.D. got across the line first.

TE: So what do you know about electronics?

SaS: What do you mean?

TE: I was just wondering what department you were going to work in at Best Buy to pay for that trip to Europe.

SaS: Dammit

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

The World Today.

I try to keep this blog extremely meaningless. I figure that it is generally an escape from the shit hole we live in lately.

That being said, I have to think that it is time for us to really give serious, serious consideration to Bart Simpson as a realistic political candidate. Every time that I turn on CNN, Fox or any other news source, I see blow hard politicians rambling about turning this country around, when they haven't done shit. Did they do anything previously? Nope. Are they gonna do anything? Nope.

Why would anyone spend 11 million of their own money to get a job that pays under $300,000.00?

Bart had to do detention for saying the truth.

From the island of E'ville,

THE Enmark

RAIN in the air......

And to think that they could go to an NRC race on Saturday in Lousiville instead.....