Bringin' Sexy Back

So our man and pimp deluxe Garland is without a team, lost in the cycling world. You ask yourself, how can this possibly be? With that sprint, that resume, who wouldn't want him? Well, things in cycling are complicated after Operacion Puerto, and the aging resume doesn't help. Promise abounds for '07, but no teams thus far. I took the time to speak with the man, the myth and the legend about the current state of affairs, cycling in general and of course his love for juggs.

Enmark: Why don't you have a team?

Garland: Whomever I decide to bless with my looks and charm has to meet a few certain, detailed criteria in order to obtain my services. I have been in touch with a team, but we haven't made the progress I had hoped for up to now.

Enmark: What might that criteria be?

Garland: As you know, we being Cannondale men, must hold true to that commitment first and foremost. I cannot be associated with a team that is not affiliated with the Cannondale organization.

Enmark: But you already have two?

Garland: Exactly, and they are red, which is where my second problem lies. I am searching for a team that have the right color scheme and jersey design to go with my stable of cycles. Oh, and they have to have black shorts. Things look bigger in black and cougars dig big. For that matter I dig big. Juggs I mean.

Enmark: The rumors about your obsession with juggs are well known.

Garland: Exactly. Which is why I have to be fly, bring sexy back, you know?

Enmark: So what has stalled the negotiations with this team with cool kits, Cannondale sponsorship and a local that is 200 miles from you? They sound perfect.

Garland: One would assume that they are perfect on the surface. I mean I wouldn't have to see them, they wouldn't have to see me. Sounds peachy right? Well I kicked the resume of race wins to them, and get this, they want me to meet up on a Saturday morning for their club ride to "meet the guys". I am on the lurch for cougars, not dudes in spandex. Apparently, I have to "fit in". How gay is that?

Enmark: So it is about being a club guy, click filler, not a racer?

Garland: I guess. I asked about the chicks that show up on the ride, but I couldn't get any good info. Plus they meet at like 8 in the morning to ride. I am sneaking out the back door of the hookups around then, trying to avoid breakfast with their kids, not planning a ride then.

Enmark: So what are you going to do?

Garland: Chase skank, polish the 'dales and keep dreamin' about a set of Lightweight wheels.

Enmark: Play on player!