The Liars Box

The liars box is back.

I picked up the new power control last week. With any luck, I will even figure out how to use it soon. Rich is salivating at the fact that he might get to analyze more data, now that I am back in the SRM game. Now my rides count again.

Even cooler is the fact that I picked up some new parts from the G-Man. I am now rolling the Dura Ace 10. I have always sworn that Campy was better, but their 10 speed stuff sucked. It was always extremely finicky and never shifted as flawlessly as the DA stuff does. I will miss that thumb shifter though. That is much cooler than the DA setup. So far, I am super impressed with the Shimano set up and I love how smooth it shifts. I only shifted the wrong way about 10 times on Saturday.

Now that I have the new gear, my list of excuses is starting to dry up. I am going to have to get more creative.

I did talk to the T-Rent this weekend and he has had a minor Ksyrium issue. It seems that they are no match for the girlfriends car. Hopefully, they survive.

G-Man got his pimp on in Springfield, but left with zero cash, which will make it extremely difficult to pay for the new BMW tires. Guess he needs to step it up and use that sprint, rather than trying to escape late in the race. If I could liquefy tires with my acceleration, I would melt Michelin's regularly.

In other news, Spencer is at Disney, plotting the assassination of the Mouse. Keep an eye on CNN for more info. He anticipated a total meltdown when I spoke with him on Thursday.

There is still an incredible void in the midwest racing schedule, primarily in Indiana. I am asked all of the time about up coming races and it is sad that you have to speak about something more than a month away. I am not that old, but I do remember when you could actually race your bike in the summer (without needing a disc wheel). I guess Puerto has killed grass roots racing, as well as the Pro Tour. One would think that this would be an issue for the USCF, however I am constantly amazed by the USCF and their inability to "take back" racing in Indiana. What a freakin' mess.

Well, that is quite a bit of random thoughts and pieces of info for today.

Till next time,

The Enmark

The Club Ride

Today was the club ride. It was very tame and we actually were allowed to have fun. We got to talk and joke and do all of the cool stuff that bike riding is supposed to be about. I swung off early to ride home with the doper. For a guy who has been down and out for a few weeks, you would never know it by following him.

The good news is, the liars box is back. I am getting used to the DA stuff and should have a good feel for the new SRM soon. I think that I did something wrong programing the slope, but I have to call them to figure it out, because I have no idea how to make it work.

The best part of the ride today is the potential new nickname that I may have picked up, "Stay Puff", as in the marsh mellow man. If you have seen any of the pics from the race in Louisville, it makes perfect sense. I hope that things swell in heat, because I look huge in every picture. Barker thinks that I am going about 350 right now.

Anyway, enjoy the pics from the group ride.

From the island of E'Ville,

The Enmark, a.k.a. Stay Puff

The Code has been Broken!

I had the opportunity last night to ride with the broken doper. I think that this entire shoulder injury and surgery has been fabricated and it was total B.S. that he was hurt. He is fine and has been faking it all along. He was be-bopping along in full on whirling dervish style last night. The pics he posted were a fine job of photo shop. Hell his face isn't even in them, so I doubt it is even him. I did get reminded last night of an email that Spencer sent to me a couple of years ago that cracked the code to Barker speak. Here it is:

Cyclists are the biggest sandbaggers and secret
trainers around. They'll say anything to soften you
up for the kill. Don't let this happen to you. Study
this handy rider's phrasebook to find out what they
really mean when they say:

"I'm out of shape"
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven't
missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace
my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts.
My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage
rate.

"I'm not into competition. I'm just riding to stay in
shape" ---
Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the
gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the line
sprint if I have to force you into oncoming traffic. I
will crest this hill first if I have to grab your seat
post, and spray energy drink in your eyes.

"I'm on my beater bike"
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany
using titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a
wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a
fart and costs more than a divorce.

"It's not that hilly"
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a
presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep
sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have
a 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.

"This is a no-drop ride"
Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing for
the search-and-rescue dogs.

"It's not that far"
Translation: Bring your passport


Now we can all figure out what the hell Barker is talking about.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Suffering and the SS

I had to go to Dayton for work, so I have been out of pocket for a few days. Here is the latest:

I was brutally beaten in a break in Louisville this past weekend. Like a dummy I went with a move that countered a prime on lap 3 and the guys that I was with were ready to roll, so we stayed clear for an hour. You think to yourself, "Wow! That is tough". Not so much. It was 400 degrees, fat kids don't like extreme heat and I ran out of fluid with 20 minutes left to go. Not cool. In the end I sat on the back of the break like a girl for 20 minutes and did not contest the sprint. I will have to decide between shopping at Ann Taylor now, or more appropriately Lane Bryant.

My man the Nazi, or Scott Spees (SS), won the Garrett Wonders Memorial in Westerville Ohio last week. That is a great race and Scott is a pimp. Anyone who can live with the daily banterings of trash talk that Whitlock spews deserves to win on that alone, on top of that, he is cool and deserves it. I asked him to provide photographic evidence of said win, but his wife Val was too busy saying "Holy shit he won" to take a picture. Racing with Scott is one of the things that I miss most about Ohio, well that and the fact that they actually have bike races to do.

I guess I should rephrase that last comment on races in Ohio. I went to the Team Dayton training race that I used to do on Tuesday evening to get in a little racing and rage release on Whitlock. While at work on Tuesday, I look out the window at 2:30 and it is pouring. Not a big deal, because by 3:30 it is done and dry by 5. The race does not start until 7, so I figure if I hurry I can get a ride in. Not too be. Apparently, rain in the afternoon is bad mojo for racing and there was no one from Team Dayton to open up the park and have the race, just a bunch of people hanging outside the gate wondering what the hell is wrong with them for not having the race. How gay is that?

In other breaking news, the liars box should be en-route. It will look nice with the Dura Ace on my bike now. Pictures will be coming soon.

More importantly, T-Rent raced outside of his area code. He is close to un-corking something huge and hopefully, bike racing related. He is threatening to go to Hyde Park soon. Hopefully it doesn't rain a week before so that they don't cancel it. You never know in Ohio apparently.

That is all for today. Check back for DA/SRM pics on the slowest Cannondale ever sold.

From the island of Evansville,

The Enmark

317 strikes again!!!

I have good and bad news to report.

T-Rent has found the cure for the 317 virus, pre-registering for races outside of Indianapolis, forcing himself to go. He is planning to get his grove on in Louisville tomorrow. I was concerned that he might not shake the virus, but it seems that he is in the clear for now.

However, I am scared to wear my Mob kit much though. It seems the rest of the Mober's have caught the virus from him. I don't want to catch the "only Daly races/317" disease, so I am going to put my Mob clothes in plastic bags in the basement so the virus doesn't spread. We have about a hundred guys on MOB and we have 4 committed to going to the Louisville crit. This race actually has money, which I hear people complaining that Dan does not provide, but they aren't going. HMMM. This virus is much worse than I originally thought. I am going to report it to the center of disease control and see if we can't get some sort of study started.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Skunk'd

On the Evansville club ride last night, we all reached a new milestone in our cycling careers. We were rolling along and came through a slight bend in the road to a few cars coming the other direction stopped in the road. As we got closer I heard someone yell "Skunk!!". It turns out, it was a family of skunks crossing the road. We were in no hurry to pass them once they started freaking out and looking like they were going to spray.

The two highlights of the adventure were Gary melting his tire as he white smoked the tread heading the other direction and Smooth as Silke complaining that "those damn things are supposed to be nocturnal" after we saw them. Even more hilarious was Silke explaining to Dave C that we got stopped by skunks and a train on the ride, but the train was too short because he barely got back on. I bet Dave still doesn't believe us.

Trying not to get sprayed on the island,

The Enmark

Chase'en it

My man Chase went over and did Winghaven with me last weekend. As I mentioned earlier, I got pummeled and he, unfortunately, did not make it too far through the first lap before the slick conditions put him on the pavement. This really sucks, because it really was a great course for his skill set. Hopefully, he is healed up enough to survive the Tour of Ohio next week. Above are some pics of him trying to get back and then catching a ride when his day was done. He had to have a plastic surgeon put his chin back together.

The worst part of the entire day at Winghaven was when a rider crashed in the final roundabout about 600 meters from the line right in front of me on the first lap. They decided to have a "King of the Mountains" competition sprint every lap and here I am sliding sideways trying to stay up when they launch the sprint for the first KOM. Nothing like kicking off a race with a sprint to catch a sprinting field. I got back on, but I burned some serious juice to get there. I guess it really didn't matter though, because there was no way that I was getting to the end of that race. I didn't need the liars box to tell me that I can't go fast enough. There is pic above of me starting to get the speed rolling again out of the roundabout and chasing back on. Man did that hurt.

That is it for now. Rumor has it that the T-Rent might break the tractor beam and launch himself out of the 317 area code. We will have to wait and see if he can pull it off.

From the island of E'Ville,

The Enmark

Mid Life Crisis

So I talked with the G-Man this morning. He picked up a new, in his words, "mid life crisis red" Madonne 5.2 Trek this weekend. It is stellar on the website. He has been kicking it hardcore lately, so this rig should get a chance to go fast soon. I am looking forward to checking it out.

Speaking of going fast, I apparently cannot. I got my tail whipped in St. Louis at the Tour de Winghaven. Nothing like the rude awakening of your true lack of ability. Man was that tough and I didn't race with the pros like the Hammer did. I guess maybe I should re-evaluate that softball league idea.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Ya know ladies....prom is coming up and I could take both of you.

After winning at Quad Cities, the Floyd testosterone project was flowing full force and Adam decided to scam on some chicks. Well done! Our junior's team is progressing nicely!!

Damn Shaving Cream

The Jinglehammer was decked out in the cream kit and feeling thick and rich Tuesday night at the training ride. That dude just slayed us. I got dropped before the horseshoe and I can't imagine how fast that son of a gun was going with the tailwind home, but judging by the look on Shane's face when I asked him about it, it sucked. Now that he is a 2, he is planning on showing us why. I have to say that I get it now, he's a frickin' motor.

On another note, Smooth as Silke mentioned that the doper could probably get some EPO with his recent injury to prevent his form from falling off too greatly. I thought that this is pure genius. Maybe if I take EPO and lay on the couch watching pros race, I can go faster. I might have to try that. I know that Gardner got a new TV and he is riding better, so I might call the UCI on him.

Great news for tonight's ride, the Hammer has to work! It might not suck as bad.

From the island of E'Ville,

The Enmark

From hero to zero, introducing Mr. 317

Well it is official. Enmark's View is the first to report on this. The T-Rent is no longer a pro power house like the above photo. No more Pimpin' for him. He has been stricken with a serious, almost fatal virus. He has a case of 317. That is right. He has the 317 virus. He can't race outside the tractor beam of I-465 and the 317 area code.

All I heard this spring was about the riding he was going to do, how he could not wait for racing to start, the impending thrashing he anticipated delivering, but now he has caught 317. I am not sure that his case is curable. We will have to wait and see. I have seen many talented men succumb to this dreaded, deadly disease and never do big races again.

They thought that the dude in Atlanta with TB had it bad, but this 317 thing is a known killer. Look for CNN to pick up reports.

Safely away from 317 on the island of E'Ville,

The Enmark

Who is more Macho?

Who is more macho; Johan in this kit or Don Ricardo?

10 pounds of beef in a 6 pound box?

The Plan is Coming Together

From my man Spencer in an email last week.