More Cowbell

On Saturday at Madison, my man Anderson had on a "More Cowbell" t-shirt from SNL with Will Farrell and Christopher Walken. We didn't have enough cowbell to win on Saturday, but this skit is hilarious!

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

trent, trent, trent

now if you are all gonna make comments and references about chicks on bikes, and trails and races and such, ya gotta give some examples. I mean c'mon, its not that hard to poach some lovelies from the daily distractions on Pez.

Stop......Hammer Time!

The Hammer has arrived!

Jingle Hammer and I went to Soulard in St. Louis yesterday. He was a bit nervous over a 10 corner crit and you could tell from watching him pre-race that he had the jitters. After completely goofing the start, he got his head in it, moved up and then showed the Budweiser world what the Hammer was all about.

He bridged alone to the break of 5 before 4 more guys came across, then drove it for the remainder of the race. We talked about a couple of things that he might have done to skew the results more in his favor, but it was an unbelievable performance. In the end he was 8th and is no doubt, the real deal.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark (Stay Puff)

Hidin'

I talked to T-Rent on Thursday about racing at the Regatta in Madison on Saturday. It seems that the 317 has flared to full force and he now has a sinus infection that is preventing him from racing. That and a broken crank set, so he is going to keep hidin' in Indy. Much like the Cubs, he is working on coining the phrase, "maybe next year".

Dave Anderson and I represented the Mob and went to Madison for the 3's race. We ended up missing the break of two, chasing the break, not bringing the break back and then lighting the field sprint for 3rd. I had to do an almost full lap lead out, but it was enough to shred the field. Dave easily won the field sprint for 3rd and one guy was able to sit on his wheel for the lead out. I rolled across in 5th.

Surprisingly, immediately after the race, I was interrogated by local law enforcement officials. It seems Grumpy Bill is originally from Madison and they are still looking for him on some out standing "issues". I thought that the doper had it rough, but this is persistence. I of course refused to provide any information and they were resolved to staking out the course next year in hopes to capture the elusive Stoner.

Normally, I would make fun of the doper here, but I have to send a thank you to him this week. Last Sunday, I got stung by a bee or wasp or something midway through our ride. As we kept rolling, my arm got very tight and swelled up. He helped me get to his place, get some ice on it and then rode with me to my drive way to make sure that I did not get any worse, have a reaction, etc. Then, on the Wednesday night ride, I managed to start to bonk midway through the group ride, after he and I flogged each other on the way to the ride for an hour. He hooked me up with some power gel and then a coke on the way home. I expect him to get me on "the stuff" anytime, especially after he hears that I missed the break at Madison. Anyway, Barker gets a free pass this week.

Finally, G-Man and Whitlock raced in Cincy this past weekend. According to Joe, The SS Nazi (Spees) lost his wheel for a lead out, so Joe sat up and rolled in. According to the G-Man, Joe almost rode him off of his bike twice. My guess is that Joe popped during the lead out and dumped a drag chute out and everyone carrying any speed almost flattened him. G-Man swears that the bike spike is not far off and Joe swears that he is about to die after every race, so I am not sure where either really stands. I will get with the SS and try to find out what took place.

I am headed to St. Louis this morning with the Jingle Hammer for Soulard. I will report on that in the coming days.

From the island of E'Ville,

The Enmark (aka Stay Puff)

Big Dummy

The 4th of July was a special event this year. The "Big Dummy" aka Whitlock made his presence felt on the island of E'ville. I haven't had the pleasure of riding with Joe since I kicked the crap out of him in Dayton back in early May. I was looking forward to getting on the road with the man, the myth and the legend who has tormented so many fields in his day.

He made his way down on the 4th and we were able to sneak out that afternoon. I have been doing some job shifting and visiting with family, so I had not touched my bike for 10 days. Needless to say, Joe made quick work of destroying me in my sad state. The worst part was after about half an hour, I had two flats, so we had to head back to my house to get additional tubes to continue. On top of that excuse, it was about 400 degrees here and I was not liking the heat. In the end, we did not beat the impending storm and ended up getting pummeled by rain for the last 3 miles. We got a couple of hours in and Joe got to tell me how much I sucked and that he can pummel me without training.

Thursday we ended up getting out for 4 hours. To my disappointment, Joe did not end up in the fetal position, which was the goal I had set for myself upon leaving, but he did have multiple meltdowns. The best part of the day was the fit he threw when the next Mountain Dew stop was 3 miles away and he did not think that he could make it that far. On top of that, was when he went to the counter at the stop, in his sad and delirious state, he had picked up diet dew. He could have been killed had the diet toxins touched his stomach. He narrowly avoided a catastrophe of epic proportion.

While riding with Joe, I was delightfully versed on why he cannot train with the G-Man. I will leave that discussion for another article. Needless to say, turning 40 has only made Joe grumpy. I can only assume that the AARP comments were not well received, nor were the grandpa Simpson references.

One thing we did learn from Joe's visit is that his daughter Liv is planning on becoming a nudist. While at the McDonald's play ground, she removed her shirt and dawned her chest for everyone. When we got to the play ground prior to seeing fireworks on another stop, she saw the fire pole and promptly started removing clothing. Joe hopes that she decides to run off to a nudist colony full of lesbians (and that he can tag along), but more than likely she will end up a stripper. Take a look at the attached pics, we can't decide if her stripper name should be nutmeg or paprika. I can't wait to see how this one turns out. She is a female Joe, challenging everything. Paybacks are hell and his parents might be getting more than even.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

The Liars Box

The liars box is back.

I picked up the new power control last week. With any luck, I will even figure out how to use it soon. Rich is salivating at the fact that he might get to analyze more data, now that I am back in the SRM game. Now my rides count again.

Even cooler is the fact that I picked up some new parts from the G-Man. I am now rolling the Dura Ace 10. I have always sworn that Campy was better, but their 10 speed stuff sucked. It was always extremely finicky and never shifted as flawlessly as the DA stuff does. I will miss that thumb shifter though. That is much cooler than the DA setup. So far, I am super impressed with the Shimano set up and I love how smooth it shifts. I only shifted the wrong way about 10 times on Saturday.

Now that I have the new gear, my list of excuses is starting to dry up. I am going to have to get more creative.

I did talk to the T-Rent this weekend and he has had a minor Ksyrium issue. It seems that they are no match for the girlfriends car. Hopefully, they survive.

G-Man got his pimp on in Springfield, but left with zero cash, which will make it extremely difficult to pay for the new BMW tires. Guess he needs to step it up and use that sprint, rather than trying to escape late in the race. If I could liquefy tires with my acceleration, I would melt Michelin's regularly.

In other news, Spencer is at Disney, plotting the assassination of the Mouse. Keep an eye on CNN for more info. He anticipated a total meltdown when I spoke with him on Thursday.

There is still an incredible void in the midwest racing schedule, primarily in Indiana. I am asked all of the time about up coming races and it is sad that you have to speak about something more than a month away. I am not that old, but I do remember when you could actually race your bike in the summer (without needing a disc wheel). I guess Puerto has killed grass roots racing, as well as the Pro Tour. One would think that this would be an issue for the USCF, however I am constantly amazed by the USCF and their inability to "take back" racing in Indiana. What a freakin' mess.

Well, that is quite a bit of random thoughts and pieces of info for today.

Till next time,

The Enmark

The Club Ride

Today was the club ride. It was very tame and we actually were allowed to have fun. We got to talk and joke and do all of the cool stuff that bike riding is supposed to be about. I swung off early to ride home with the doper. For a guy who has been down and out for a few weeks, you would never know it by following him.

The good news is, the liars box is back. I am getting used to the DA stuff and should have a good feel for the new SRM soon. I think that I did something wrong programing the slope, but I have to call them to figure it out, because I have no idea how to make it work.

The best part of the ride today is the potential new nickname that I may have picked up, "Stay Puff", as in the marsh mellow man. If you have seen any of the pics from the race in Louisville, it makes perfect sense. I hope that things swell in heat, because I look huge in every picture. Barker thinks that I am going about 350 right now.

Anyway, enjoy the pics from the group ride.

From the island of E'Ville,

The Enmark, a.k.a. Stay Puff

The Code has been Broken!

I had the opportunity last night to ride with the broken doper. I think that this entire shoulder injury and surgery has been fabricated and it was total B.S. that he was hurt. He is fine and has been faking it all along. He was be-bopping along in full on whirling dervish style last night. The pics he posted were a fine job of photo shop. Hell his face isn't even in them, so I doubt it is even him. I did get reminded last night of an email that Spencer sent to me a couple of years ago that cracked the code to Barker speak. Here it is:

Cyclists are the biggest sandbaggers and secret
trainers around. They'll say anything to soften you
up for the kill. Don't let this happen to you. Study
this handy rider's phrasebook to find out what they
really mean when they say:

"I'm out of shape"
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven't
missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace
my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts.
My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage
rate.

"I'm not into competition. I'm just riding to stay in
shape" ---
Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the
gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the line
sprint if I have to force you into oncoming traffic. I
will crest this hill first if I have to grab your seat
post, and spray energy drink in your eyes.

"I'm on my beater bike"
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany
using titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a
wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a
fart and costs more than a divorce.

"It's not that hilly"
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a
presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep
sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have
a 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.

"This is a no-drop ride"
Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing for
the search-and-rescue dogs.

"It's not that far"
Translation: Bring your passport


Now we can all figure out what the hell Barker is talking about.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Suffering and the SS

I had to go to Dayton for work, so I have been out of pocket for a few days. Here is the latest:

I was brutally beaten in a break in Louisville this past weekend. Like a dummy I went with a move that countered a prime on lap 3 and the guys that I was with were ready to roll, so we stayed clear for an hour. You think to yourself, "Wow! That is tough". Not so much. It was 400 degrees, fat kids don't like extreme heat and I ran out of fluid with 20 minutes left to go. Not cool. In the end I sat on the back of the break like a girl for 20 minutes and did not contest the sprint. I will have to decide between shopping at Ann Taylor now, or more appropriately Lane Bryant.

My man the Nazi, or Scott Spees (SS), won the Garrett Wonders Memorial in Westerville Ohio last week. That is a great race and Scott is a pimp. Anyone who can live with the daily banterings of trash talk that Whitlock spews deserves to win on that alone, on top of that, he is cool and deserves it. I asked him to provide photographic evidence of said win, but his wife Val was too busy saying "Holy shit he won" to take a picture. Racing with Scott is one of the things that I miss most about Ohio, well that and the fact that they actually have bike races to do.

I guess I should rephrase that last comment on races in Ohio. I went to the Team Dayton training race that I used to do on Tuesday evening to get in a little racing and rage release on Whitlock. While at work on Tuesday, I look out the window at 2:30 and it is pouring. Not a big deal, because by 3:30 it is done and dry by 5. The race does not start until 7, so I figure if I hurry I can get a ride in. Not too be. Apparently, rain in the afternoon is bad mojo for racing and there was no one from Team Dayton to open up the park and have the race, just a bunch of people hanging outside the gate wondering what the hell is wrong with them for not having the race. How gay is that?

In other breaking news, the liars box should be en-route. It will look nice with the Dura Ace on my bike now. Pictures will be coming soon.

More importantly, T-Rent raced outside of his area code. He is close to un-corking something huge and hopefully, bike racing related. He is threatening to go to Hyde Park soon. Hopefully it doesn't rain a week before so that they don't cancel it. You never know in Ohio apparently.

That is all for today. Check back for DA/SRM pics on the slowest Cannondale ever sold.

From the island of Evansville,

The Enmark

317 strikes again!!!

I have good and bad news to report.

T-Rent has found the cure for the 317 virus, pre-registering for races outside of Indianapolis, forcing himself to go. He is planning to get his grove on in Louisville tomorrow. I was concerned that he might not shake the virus, but it seems that he is in the clear for now.

However, I am scared to wear my Mob kit much though. It seems the rest of the Mober's have caught the virus from him. I don't want to catch the "only Daly races/317" disease, so I am going to put my Mob clothes in plastic bags in the basement so the virus doesn't spread. We have about a hundred guys on MOB and we have 4 committed to going to the Louisville crit. This race actually has money, which I hear people complaining that Dan does not provide, but they aren't going. HMMM. This virus is much worse than I originally thought. I am going to report it to the center of disease control and see if we can't get some sort of study started.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark