G-Man...... Doing the lords work

As I have mentioned in a previous post, G-Man and I have found a cause that we can unite behind. I have been fairly busy with work and life, but G-Man is doing his part, helping make the world a better place. I was able to take a minute the other day to conduct a brief interview with him to analyze his progress.

The Enmark: So G-Man, how has the volunteer work with Save the Ta-Ta's been going? Is it as fulfilling as you had hoped?

G-Man: It has been crazy! Once I found this great cause, I knew that I had to rally behind it. I really took a step back to figure out where I could have the most immediate impact. I decided to head to Blue's Martini Lounge and offer my expertise. I used my incredibly acute natural Ta-Ta instincts, which are almost ninja like, to find the girl who needed the most help, so to speak. I can help those with silicone, but it is a difficult process and I wanted to make the most immediate impact. It took 3 hours to assess those DD's. I have carpel tunnel now, but I can assure you that she is currently cancer free!

The Enmark: That must have been quite an experience! You have already begun helping people.

G-Man: It was quite an experience. The first time, I was brought to tears. I mean, I can't believe they fall for this...err, it is so great to get to help people in need.

The Enmark: Some of your opponents think that you are not a certified health professional and that your "diagnosis" is not sound medical advice. What do you say to them?

G-Man: I have studied Ta-Ta's my whole life! Not only that, I am compelled to help. I am committed to this being my legacy. All in all, I know Ta-Ta's.

The Enmark: So you think that your detractors are full of it?

G-Man: I am doing the lords work. It is my calling and I will perform this service until I am gray and old.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Makes you wonder?

The T-Rent asked for some help selling his rig that he stacked it on a while back. I offered to help him out, knowing that he is a bit inept when it comes to bikes, taking them apart and so on.

What I didn't know is he is also inept at using a rag on them. I am not sure that welding the parts onto the bike could have bonded them on any tighter than the grime that was holding them in place. I found this discerning, knowing that T-Rent is smart enough to know better.

Whit told me more than once that you can't win on a dirty bike. This is a guy who has won more races than most of us will ever start, so I figured he knew what he was talking about. I would train with him all spring and his bike would look like it had been smeared in dog shit the entire time. He would not be able to get out of his own way on rides and both he and his bike looked horrific. Then, the weather would turn, he would show up on what used to be a bike smeared in dog shit, now gleaming and sparkling clean and promptly kick the shit out of everyone. That bike would always be clean while he was raging. Once it started getting dirty again, I knew the pain and suffering was close to stopping.

So back to T-Rent. He always bitches about his lack of results, but he never has a clean bike. I think that there is a correlation here. I decided to dig deeper, to try to get to the root cause of problem. How could a bike racer let their race equipment end up looking like this? Even the Punisher says if you can't be pro you should look it. I was getting concerned that Whit might not want this secret to get out. Maybe I am spilling the beans on something that shouldn't be made public?

I had to take my research farther. I decided to look into T-Rent's family background. Everyone blames everything on that anyway, so I figured it made sense to start there. I dug up this picture of he and his sister and decided to leave well enough alone.



I will clean the bike up and sell it, without asking any additional questions.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

The Blue Coats

Anyone in this country who has ever taken a history class can remember that our forefathers had a problem with the Red Coats. The British had tyrannical rule over the colonies and it took a massive tea party to right the wrong and set us on our way to independence. It took a rebellious bunch, with panache and unheralded vision to make us into our own nation. They hated the Red Coats and rose up and defeated them.

The officials at the USCF have taken on the nickname, the Blue Coats, primarily for their greater than thee, this is a real sport attitude. Everyone knows that kids ride bikes to get away from their house and experience freedom while they are growing up and eventually they get cars and make Arabs rich. Adults riding bikes are stuck somewhere in between, but are still trying to get out and experience some freedom. We race around pretending we are kids again. It is not to be taken seriously, especially by anyone who takes on the role of officiating grown adults riding bikes. There were no officials in sandlot baseball and it usually worked out. Other than a way to develop cool shit with carbon, bicycle racing is pretty much a kids game that adults can play to escape life for a little bit.

I recently had a run in with one of the Blue Coats. I have not been riding or training as much recently, so I wasn't confident that I could keep up with the other "kids". I have not purchased a racing license, so I am theoretically a "citizen" racer. I decided to do a "training" race while on a business trip recently since I was in town and it was convenient. A "training" race is a pretend bike race, not to be confused with real bike races. So to catch you up, it is grown adults, pretending to be kids again doing a pretend race. Once again, not something to be taken seriously.

In order to do the pretend race, I had to purchase a license for one day. I had decided to do the "B" race which was not the fastest pretenders doing the "A" race, but the second fastest pretenders. There was also a "C" race, which is for new riders. I did not feel like I should be in the new rider race, so I asked if I could do the 30+ B race and not do the C race. That was fine with the promoter, but not with the Blue Coat. Apparently, 15 years of supporting the USCF and having a license is not enough. I was relegated to citizen status just like that, no check for a license, no category racing.

I am still perplexed on how I did not fit into a race that was relegated by an age category when I am the correct age range for the event? Must be Blue Coat math, similar to Bush's fuzzy math.

It just goes to show, if you get a coat, no matter if it is red or blue, you can no longer operate with any cognitive thinking process and must try to oppress those around you.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

PIMP!

If you ever wondered what a pimp looks like.....it is not T-Rent. Although his purple suit surely help his cause. His ho's step back when he raises his pimp hand, but he is not the real deal.

If you want to know what a pimp looks like, then look no further than Jens. That is true pimpness.



Good thing that the Punisher won't wear purple. He might try to mix the street pimp and Jens, which could cause some major confusion on group rides.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Midgets

You know you are bordering on midget status when your bike does not come up past the trim line on your truck. It barely gets to the two tone line on the super truck. Don Ricardo must have picked up a bike for Carter, cause this thing looks little. I can't quite figure out how the training wheels attach, but I am sure he will get them on there.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

The Evil Web of Doping!

The O.D. recently gave me a pair of bib shorts. He claimed that he didn't need them, they didn't fit him and I would probably be better off with them anyway. I did not think much of it at the time, but I appreciated them and never suspected anything. I had no reason to believe there was anything underhanded going on. Then I receive this email from Smooth as Silk:

Dave, I was reading the comment that the doper left about his article. Does the doped up shorts have a deer penis in the pad to give you a real high when riding? Why did you get a pair of these shorts? Is there something that you have been hiding from us?

Silk

I felt like my world was crumbling. I had crossed the line to the land of the doper. The two people who read this are going to think that I had moved into the realm of doping. I had to react, so I sent this reply:

I suspect that the shorts were either a gesture to make me complicit, therefore giving him someone to turn on in the event that he gets busted or simply an attempt to make me go faster to quit ruining his training rides by going so slow. I don’t think I received the deer version, because I was only mildly faster when I rode in them. You probably have to build up a tolerance through angelica root and turtle blood before you can go for the hardcore deer penis.

Seeing as how I took a power washer to the chamois, I may have offset any potential benefit prior to the ride. I have noticed that the spiders in my driveway, where I power washed said chamois are now one foot wide and two feet tall and my kids are riding them. I guess I shouldn’t have taken the Clinton approach and inhaled.

The Enmark

Hopefully, WADA isn't trying to kick down my door. You have to watch out for the doper.

More F'n Rain!

I am so sick of the rain. Every time I have the opportunity to get a ride in. It is F**kin' raining. What a shit spring.

I was looking for something to get my spirits up and I stumbled across this picture. I forgot how funny it was. I wish I could be this Macho.

From the island that is apparently going to sink in all the F**kin' rain,

The Enmark

Observation of the Year!

Josh showed up for the group ride today on some new bike power. I hadn't seen him for a while, but having just had baby number 3 (Eden) he gets a pass, so it was the first time that I had seen the new rig. His old LeMond broke, so they gave him the option of getting their new carbon bike. It is pretty sweet and it certainly screams speed.

After talking with Josh about how much he likes it, Shane did have one observation on the new model. It was with out a doubt, one of the funniest things I have heard in a good while. Shane wanted to know if the new model came with a bur on the saddle, to make the purchaser an insufferable prick, just like Greg. Thus far he is winning funniest ride comment of the year.



From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

WWJD- The true Punisher

I figured something out today. Right now 4 hours is the barrier for me. Being pathetic, this is probably a vast improvement, but it is still a hard stop, because hour 5 was ugly. 91
miles later, I made it home, but like I said, the last bit was UGLY.

While Jens was doing his thing slogging it in the break in Giro, I was slogging it on the back of the local group ride trying to make it home in one piece while never taking a single pull. I have mad skills at dodging turns.

Jens on the other hand, would gladly take his turn, plus yours. Jens is a pimp.......I suck. Hopefully, I turn a corner soon and can use the WWJD mantra.

Slowly creeping back on the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Doping Secret's Revealed

I have been informed by one of my "in the know" informants (smooth as silk) that he has stumbled into some of the dirty little secrets of doping. One of those secrets was reported in the April 1st USA Today.

Here is the low down: Deer penis, turtle blood and angelica root potions have joined steroids and amphetamines on the list of banned drugs for Chinese Olympians.

After I received this information, I was forced to re-evaluate my time riding with the O.D. (Original Doper).

I could never understand why every fall we had to ride to all of the deer check in stations, but we always did. O.D. claimed to be in love with nature and a huge fan of 12 point bucs. Turns out, he is into bucs alright. No interest in doe's what so ever. The puzzle is beginning to make more and more sense.

Then I backed up into some of the early spring rides through the Bluegrass Wildlife area, where for no explicable reason, he would tear off through a field toward one of the many fishing holes and dive in head first. He claimed it was to force himself to hold his breath to increase his anaerobic threshold, but I suspect he was just chasing turtle blood. He would casually pop up from under the water like Rambo with 2-3 turtles in his hands claiming that they might make it as pets for his kids. I have been to his house, they don't have any turtles for pets. He is on the stuff.

Now that he has picked up running, he disappears in the woods for hours on end. He claims to be working on a half marathon, but I think that he has to crawl out with all of the angelica root he is carrying.

We are going to continually monitor this story, but if for no reason, he hops off of his bike to mount a doe, I am calling the UCI & PETA.

Last Second Addition: Suzuki Shane noticed that the the O.D. lives on Deer Trail. Honestly, he really has a physical address with Deer Trail as the street. It was probably a ploy to throw off WADA and not have a Rasmusen incident.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark