No Wonder.......

that Bob and Tom rip on Larry King all of the time! What a dip shit!!

Our New Standup Comedian!!!

So a horse walks into a bar…………




…..and the bartender says to him, “Hey, why the long face?”

I kill with that one!!!!!!!!

With This weekend's pending game.........

GO COLTS!!!!

Team E'Ville Jersey

Here is the Team E'ville Jersey. Leave a comment and let me know what you think. I am kicking around working with the Evansville bike club to make it the new club jersey if they are interested.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Team E'Ville

I have not been very diligent about posting lately.

I still need to put something together from Hilly and I owe everyone the farewell interview with G-Man. The good news is, he arrived unscathed and I can now do a two part interview about the exit from amateur status in Ohio and how he is doing in the pro ranks in Arizona. Stay tuned for that.

A few weeks ago, I told Suzuki Shane that I would help put Team E'ville together for his assault on the RAIN. I have no interest in riding that long or far (it is like 8 crits combined), but I would be a D.S. like Riis. I got with Mario and developed a kit. Actually, I told Mario what I wanted and he developed a kit. That being said, I am going to look into making it the club jersey for the Evansville bike club. It is really cool. I am going to get it in a format to post here on the blog, so that everyone can leave a comment.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

G-Man is turning pro!

I have both sad and exciting news to report.

G-Man is taking his game professional. I know, you are thinking, "how does second place in a category 3 race in Indy get someone a pro deal?". This has nothing to do with riding his bike and everything to do with his ability to ride Cougars. Locally, the Ohio Cougar has been formidable prey, but is one that he has come to understand and easily tame. Having tamed the small mid-western Cougar population, he has decided to hunt wilder, more dynamic prey (i.e. silicone enhanced). He is dropping the amateur hunting status and heading to Phoenix, Arizona to tame the silicone beast. He has obtained a new Cougar hunting license focused on the DD class, strictly professional with independent wealth, who can provide him with a massive coronary by the time he is 40.

Good hunting my friend, we will miss you.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

P.S. Stay tuned for a farewell interview with the G-Man prior to his departure.

A Promotion!!!

With the cycling season winding to a close, most of us are left pondering what might have been, making plans to be next years new "Eddy Merckx/Lance Armstrong" or simply have become sick of cycling. With all that has, and is, going on in professional cycling right now, it is pretty easy to see how we could all get a little disenfranchised with it right now. I think that is why the doping community has tried to adopt a similar system the Catholic church.

I am not saying that the dopers will end up lusting after 5 year old boys, although they say the roid rage is weird, but I am saying that they have instituted a hierarchy to help them in their quest to take on the UCI and WADA, but more importantly, remain mainstream in cycling. Velonews covers are an important part of taking doping mainstream. According to Sockguy, Dr. Fuentes has been named "Pope of Dope". Regionally and locally, they are instituting players in the network, trying to take on "The Man". The original doper is being promoted to fight "The Man". We now must refer to the original doper as Cardinal Barker, head of the Category 3 diocese of doping & lunacy.

From the island of E'Ville,

The Enmark

Brad Huff Tour of Missouri Crash Remix 1.0

This is a crazy view of Brad Huff's crash at the Tour of MO. It is completely nuts.

Sunday Stroll

So I got out this morning for a nice fun leisurely ride. Suzuki Shane, KP Duty & the Hammer and I kicked around easy. I finally had those guys where I wanted them and was able to smack them around at will. They were lucky I didn't go all Doper on them.

It seems that KP Duty & SS did the E'ville club century on Thursday and again on Saturday. They were whining about being tired and sore, but after hearing how Jinglehammer laid the smack down in MO over the weekend, I told them to leave the hem on their skirts a little longer next time. Since they were both wasted from the weekends efforts, they had to put up with my being a smartass, but I will be re-payed eventually for sure.

At the RR in MO, it seems that Josh Carter got away in the RR with one other guy. Hammer takes off in Roscoe P. Coltrain pursuit with a Jelly Belly pro, who after chasing for a bit, decides that the smart thing to do would be to let the field come back to them, since they weren't gaining much time. Hammer went back to the field and promptly attacked them again. Alone. Now he did not have some Div III pro to distract him. Then he put his head down and rode across to the two leaders. Alone. Then he turned the screws and got rid of one of the front two. Unfortunately, it wasn't Josh "did I mention I can sprint" Carter, who got him in the end. Aside from bridging, alone in case you didn't catch that part, he is now one point shy of a Cat 1 upgrade. For those just tuning in, he was a Cat 5 in March. He is threatening to take up cyclocross now. Lord only knows the devastation he can lay out there.

I did invite him to go to the Hilly with us, so I am sure that we can derail his career in one weekend.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Transition to Tri-Geek

Now that I have had some time to reflect on the past season, I have decided to take up triathlons. I know, I have to run and swim, but I have found the perfect training program to help me make the transition. I have reached out to the swimming coach in the attached video, to begin my training. I should be off of the water wings by spring and possibly can go without the swim cap by fall.

Maybe I should just follow the lead in the video and look into getting Craig Watson and I into the Beijing games. Told you I could use this in the blog Craig!

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

The Value of Team Work

I have been working with Mario to help us take the MOB Squad to the next level in '08. Sure we won a few races, but with the doper being indicted in Puerto a week ago, we have to work on a plan B for next season.

I took it upon myself to hire Peyton Manning to help teach us the value of teamwork and how we can grow our organization to world champion status, just like the Indianapolis Colts. Take a look at the exciting video clip he sent me.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

A Learning Experience

On the group ride Sunday, when we were coming into Yankeetown, we happened upon a vehicle that had crashed and was on it's roof, similar to the photo. The occupants were not there, but some passers by had stopped to check things out and notify authorities. The belongings of the occupants were scattered all over and the vehicle was done for sure.

Luckily for us, Terry was on the ride and turned the event into a learning experience for the group. By fleeing the scene of the accident, the driver has lessened the time his license would be suspended compared to receiving a D.U.I. The fleeing charge carries less of a suspension than a D.U.I. Now comes the tricky part. He has to sober up before the police get the vehicle plates and identification processed and tracks him down, or he will be guilty of both offenses if he is still intoxicated.

So here is the key take away of the story. If one is an idiot and decides to drive drunk, puts their vehicle on it's roof and lives through the ride, one has to make a decision on if they believe they can sober up before the cops get to them. I asked Terry if there was a specific equation to do the math on "cop time vs. blood alcohol content", but he said that once you ad in the "idiot factor", which is too long an equation to publish here, the other numbers are too skewed to be of consequence any longer. In essence, the bigger the dumb ass they are, the more likely they are going to get caught.

My question is why do these idiots live through the crashes? Unfortunately, these folks get a chance to live to try to kill one of us another day. It upsets me to think that I could be driving my girls around and have this dipshit go for crash number two after Friday night happy hour. What a douchebag.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Where the Doper got started

We all probably wonder where the doper fell off of the tracks. What makes good guys go bad?

Well I have done extensive research and found out that the "All Drug Olympics" were his driver. The thought that he could compete in an arena with no limitations, with no one holding back, motivated he and Dr. Fuentes to take his program to new heights. A hematocrit of 80 finally seemed like a realistic goal, the boundaries of EPO were endless.

Recently, I broke the news to him that the "All Drug Olympics" was an SNL skit and wasn't real. There was not an event, no Stars and Stripes jersey for him. Short of telling him that Santa and Superman aren't real, I could not have crushed his soul any more. After his first stage race win, with everything firing on all cylinders, he quit for the year, not sure if he has it in his heart to continue. Let's hope he can find the motivation to continue. Personally, I am even kicking around getting him some of those gay wrist bands that support drug free sport from Cycling News. Maybe if he believes it is a cultural change, he can find the will to move forward.

If you run into him, please don't break the news that Spiderman is animation in a film, I am not sure his heart can take it. He told me that he intended to climb the outside of the Vectren building all winter to work on core strength. I just didn't have the heart to tell him at the time. Once he hits the sidewalk a couple of times, he will figure it out on his own.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Lady's & Gentlemen, Mr. Whitlock

So if you know Whitlock, you might assume that he has some rage issues. He is a swell guy, until he throws the leg over the top tube and someone says go. Well, they don't even have to say go for that matter. Joe has a rare form of road rage that flares up when he is on two wheels.

Last year, he got into a heated discussion after this crash with the Team Dayton rider who fell down. Joe ended up with a broken collar bone or rib or something along those lines, I don't remember now. The good news is he has another name to add to the someday I'll get even list. He recently had to switch the printer to 11x17 sheets because the list would not fit on the 8.5 x 11 anymore.

Seeing this has me longing to hear some training with Joe stories from G-Man.

From the island of E'Ville,

The Enmark

Field Sprinters

Field Sprinters rule. There is nothing more exciting than a group fighting it out at mach 2 for a field finish. Today in the tour of Poland, they had a "mishap" in the final sprint and Ciolek hit the pavement, bringing a good portion of the front of the peloton with him. What a photo!

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Lightweights

Suzuki Shane owns a sexy pair of Lightweight wheels. Since he is faster than most of us on the group ride, I figured they must be pretty good. I know that the wheels are not the only reason he can pummel most of us, but they gotta help. My problem is that is a ton of bling to throw down on a set of wheels, even if they will help you bitch slap Barker. But now that I know that they are PETA approved and will not harm dogs, folding in the event of an impact, I might have to get a set.

From the Island of E'Ville,

The Enmark (Lightweight and Dog Lover)

Our TT coach rippin' it!

the last word....

Exhibit A - a TT WITh the iPod, looking fast and happy, well all except for the kit...


and exhibit B - sweet kit, but no iPod, and not looking very fast...

thats the final word. Its all in the earbuds my man. Where was King Missle when you needd it??
what about some Social D?? even... perhaps... WU TANG!!!

Sorry for the post but i couldn't figure out how to place pics in the comments. you need more posts anyway. feel free to tear up my stuff.. you know i dig it.

Tour of Missouri

I am kicking around going to St. Louis to watch the last stage of the Tour of Missouri in St. Louis. It is a circuit race on the 16th of September (Sunday).

Check it out at: http://www.tourofmissouri.com/stages.

If anyone has any interest in going, email me at david.enmark@gmail.com

Sundialing

I rode a 40K TT this weekend.

For those of you have not ever done so, don't. For those of you that like them, find a different blog to read. They are lame. I am not sure how anyone can focus on hurting themselves for that long.

The good news is that the TT should lock up the Zipp Challenge in the Master's 3/4 category for me. You had to do one to qualify for the series (i.e. why I was there). Now for the bad news.

I went out of the gate pretty quick and caught my minute guy by the 10K mark. He was on a Cervelo speed demon machine with a Zipp disk and an 808 front, so he looked like he could rip it. He even had the cool Bell TT helmet. I passed him, then he would pass me back, then I would pass him and so on. It was getting annoying and then at the 25K mark, my minute guy passed me and quickly after, his minute guy passed he and I. We could have formed an impromptu team time trial, but what is the fun in drafting? Riiigggghhhhht.

Anyway, I suffered on, wishing I would have taken Rich's advice and started with an Ipod in, especially with all of the creaking my bike was doing. I would have loved to have something blocking out the heavy breathing and repetitive pops and clicks my rig was pounding out.

Note to self, if there is a next time, which I hope there isn't, take Ipod.

Anyway, I flatted with about a half mile to go and rode it in. I felt it going soft, so it was not a big deal and got me through the line and to the parking lot with no problems, so I can't blame that on my slowness. Based on the shadows and clicks of the sundial, we were able to determine that I beat an hour and now I should get a cool sub hour T-Shirt (reminiscent of the you went on vacation and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt fame) and more importantly, won the Zipp challenge.

Here are the key take aways from the weekend:

-As evidenced by the picture above, I am way too out of shape to be in contention in a 5 mile TT, let alone a 25 mile TT or bike racing for that matter

-Must take Ipod, regardless of race distance while riding alone

-I have to change a flat tire

-I am getting a new T-Shirt

(By the way, that pic is from the Indy Stage race where one of our juniors had to ask me to get off of the bike path because I was holding up some women walking with the jogging strollers, he rode up to tell me to move)

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

A Break in the Case

Apparently, the description of the shoe box was a bit wrong. We have a new description. See attached photo.

Caution! Achtung! Dikkat!

Approach at your own risk!

I'm reminded of a song by King Missile for some reason, but this is no laughing matter. Actually, maybe it is. Maybe the OD's dope had a similar effect as pool water had on George Costanza. Either way, he raced like a champ an made us all proud.

The New Rasmussen

As mentioned earlier in the blog, The Doper won the Indy Stage Race. He managed to take advantage of some stellar team work from Dave Anderson & T-Rent at Ft. Ben on Saturday and win the opening RR.

Then, proving that dope does work, he beat me in the time trial. Actually, he beat a lot of people and I am not any good, so it does not come as a big surprise that he beat me. Judging by the photos, the dosage wasn't quite right for the TT, but we will follow up with Fuentes on that. 442's with Ram Air can't open up that much.

Then, he played "Shadow Man" in the crit and managed to get second there. That locked up the event for him. In reality, he could not have ridden much better for the weekend.

Here is my dilemma.

For some reason, as soon as the crit was over, he gave me the pictured shoe box above and asked me to get it back to E'Ville as quickly as possible. He said something about, "No Cop, No Stop" and hurried me to my car. Right after that, he ducked into a horse stall, put on a rasta cap with dread locks wig and pretended he did not know any of us.

I might have to log a call with Mr. Obvious.

From the island of E'Ville,

The Enmark

The Doper

The Doper finally won again. He hasn't won anything since the picture above. He rode an excellent race in Indy to become the Indy Stage Race Champion.

More to come on the weekend.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Word-----G

We knew that we would not see G-Man at the Masters race on Sunday at the Fairgrounds in Indy.

You see, when you chase the Cougar's, early morning racing is not on your agenda. Most Sunday mornings are spent escaping the cat's lair, avoiding leaving numbers, trying to skip out on watching TV with kids and generally focusing on getting home without much formality. Getting to a criterium early in the morning is not in the cards if you have to crawl out a window in order to do so.

That being said, G-Man did roll in to Indy to take a swing at the 3's Criterium at the fairgrounds. G-Man has been getting some semblance of his old self going lately and the fights with Whitlock on training rides are getting more intense, so I knew he was getting close to popping a result. Apparently, late in the 3's crit, he jumped the field in the last sweeping corner before the final 90 degree turn. There was one rider still off of the front from an earlier breakaway who posted the V, but G-Man rolled in for 2nd.

The Cougar slayer is switching his prey.

From the island of E'Ville,

The Enmark

Hot

I did the group ride today here on the island. It was hot. It is hot. I am not sure how warm it was, but I know that the forcasted temp for today is 98. That is way too hot for a fat kid. I ended up bailing on the ride home and caught a lift home with Kevin P. Three hours was more than enough, especially since I have only ridden once in the past week.

Speaking of the riding last week, I did race at Zionsville and Bloomington last weekend. I managed to get a head cold the Thursday and Friday right before the races, so while I was fighting a fever on Friday night, I was lowering my expectations for the weekend. Living through it seemed like a better plan than trying anything.

At Bloomington I felt like hell, but for some reason, I decided to attack about half way through. Sometimes my head and legs don't communicate. I knew not to attack, but it was a perfect opportunity, so I did. Anyway, two guys came up to me after a few laps by myself and very quickly dispatched me from the group. In the end, I rode at the back, tried to move up and couldn't and rode in to stay safe with the doper and G-Man.

At Zionsville, I felt worse than the night before and rode at the back the entire time, suffering to stay in. I moved up once or twice, but could not stay there. It was ugly. With 4 to go, I moved up to the front 5 to try to fake a field sprint and found Brad on our team. I steered him for 3 laps, riding him into the ground trying to stay in the top 5 and avoid surges. He turned himself inside out and got me to the end, but I didn't have all the pop I needed and got beat in the last 25 meters for the win. Second for the second year running there. Lame. I needed one more teammate to rock the pace in the last lap to really launch off of to have a true shot at winning. Brad had been the whipping boy for 3 laps and just didn't have the juice at the end anymore.

Speaking of rides, I have to update the blog on the stop sign attack from a couple of weeks ago. As I am sure that you are aware, your perception is your reality. For instance, if you read many race reports, you will find that a report on a race that you were in looks nothing like what you saw happen. If you asked a field of 30 guys what happened in a race, you would get 31 stories, because the official would have a version too. Your perception of reality is different than someone else's, plain and simple. I talked with the person in question today on the ride and guess what, my perception and his varied. It doesn't make either of us right or wrong, just a different perception of what took place. In the end I apologized for calling him out on the blog, which was probably the wrong way to go, rather than saying something to him in person. The good news is, that we have moved on, all apologies accepted and delivered.

That is it for now, so remember today we learned:

-It is hot
-Your perception is your reality
-It is hot
-I am a dumbass for attacking at Bloomington
-It is still hot
-I cannot sprint fast enough to win Zionsville apparently

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Red

Ultra Sexy!

The Sexy Rig

This is the Scott Addict that Rich hooked me up with in Chicago. It is killer!

Richie

I got to ride with my man Rich on the sweetest rig I have ever pimped on today. A Scott Addict with SRAM Red. It was the bomb! There is a reason that I have shyed away from good stuff like that. Now I want one. I have to say that I really dug the SRAM stuff. It is super cool.

Posting from the big city,

The Enmark

P.S. Check out Rich's blog for photos from today's ride

Stop Sign Attacks!

One thing that I hate about group rides are stop sign attacks. Nothing is more annoying. Having known some people who have been hit by cars and received serious injuries or died, I have a huge problem with risking it all for the big stop sign move. Breaking away from a stop sign doesn't show us how strong you are, only that you are a dipshit.

On the club ride last night, I was privy to such an attack. I will leave the name of the attacker off of the blog, but it is a gay maneuver. It is about as cool as attacking the group right after a crash. Don't be a dork and use stop sign attacks as your tool to victory on the club ride, you aren't really winning anything, only losing others respect for you as a rider.

Annoyed on the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

More Cowbell

On Saturday at Madison, my man Anderson had on a "More Cowbell" t-shirt from SNL with Will Farrell and Christopher Walken. We didn't have enough cowbell to win on Saturday, but this skit is hilarious!

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

trent, trent, trent

now if you are all gonna make comments and references about chicks on bikes, and trails and races and such, ya gotta give some examples. I mean c'mon, its not that hard to poach some lovelies from the daily distractions on Pez.

Stop......Hammer Time!

The Hammer has arrived!

Jingle Hammer and I went to Soulard in St. Louis yesterday. He was a bit nervous over a 10 corner crit and you could tell from watching him pre-race that he had the jitters. After completely goofing the start, he got his head in it, moved up and then showed the Budweiser world what the Hammer was all about.

He bridged alone to the break of 5 before 4 more guys came across, then drove it for the remainder of the race. We talked about a couple of things that he might have done to skew the results more in his favor, but it was an unbelievable performance. In the end he was 8th and is no doubt, the real deal.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark (Stay Puff)

Hidin'

I talked to T-Rent on Thursday about racing at the Regatta in Madison on Saturday. It seems that the 317 has flared to full force and he now has a sinus infection that is preventing him from racing. That and a broken crank set, so he is going to keep hidin' in Indy. Much like the Cubs, he is working on coining the phrase, "maybe next year".

Dave Anderson and I represented the Mob and went to Madison for the 3's race. We ended up missing the break of two, chasing the break, not bringing the break back and then lighting the field sprint for 3rd. I had to do an almost full lap lead out, but it was enough to shred the field. Dave easily won the field sprint for 3rd and one guy was able to sit on his wheel for the lead out. I rolled across in 5th.

Surprisingly, immediately after the race, I was interrogated by local law enforcement officials. It seems Grumpy Bill is originally from Madison and they are still looking for him on some out standing "issues". I thought that the doper had it rough, but this is persistence. I of course refused to provide any information and they were resolved to staking out the course next year in hopes to capture the elusive Stoner.

Normally, I would make fun of the doper here, but I have to send a thank you to him this week. Last Sunday, I got stung by a bee or wasp or something midway through our ride. As we kept rolling, my arm got very tight and swelled up. He helped me get to his place, get some ice on it and then rode with me to my drive way to make sure that I did not get any worse, have a reaction, etc. Then, on the Wednesday night ride, I managed to start to bonk midway through the group ride, after he and I flogged each other on the way to the ride for an hour. He hooked me up with some power gel and then a coke on the way home. I expect him to get me on "the stuff" anytime, especially after he hears that I missed the break at Madison. Anyway, Barker gets a free pass this week.

Finally, G-Man and Whitlock raced in Cincy this past weekend. According to Joe, The SS Nazi (Spees) lost his wheel for a lead out, so Joe sat up and rolled in. According to the G-Man, Joe almost rode him off of his bike twice. My guess is that Joe popped during the lead out and dumped a drag chute out and everyone carrying any speed almost flattened him. G-Man swears that the bike spike is not far off and Joe swears that he is about to die after every race, so I am not sure where either really stands. I will get with the SS and try to find out what took place.

I am headed to St. Louis this morning with the Jingle Hammer for Soulard. I will report on that in the coming days.

From the island of E'Ville,

The Enmark (aka Stay Puff)

Big Dummy

The 4th of July was a special event this year. The "Big Dummy" aka Whitlock made his presence felt on the island of E'ville. I haven't had the pleasure of riding with Joe since I kicked the crap out of him in Dayton back in early May. I was looking forward to getting on the road with the man, the myth and the legend who has tormented so many fields in his day.

He made his way down on the 4th and we were able to sneak out that afternoon. I have been doing some job shifting and visiting with family, so I had not touched my bike for 10 days. Needless to say, Joe made quick work of destroying me in my sad state. The worst part was after about half an hour, I had two flats, so we had to head back to my house to get additional tubes to continue. On top of that excuse, it was about 400 degrees here and I was not liking the heat. In the end, we did not beat the impending storm and ended up getting pummeled by rain for the last 3 miles. We got a couple of hours in and Joe got to tell me how much I sucked and that he can pummel me without training.

Thursday we ended up getting out for 4 hours. To my disappointment, Joe did not end up in the fetal position, which was the goal I had set for myself upon leaving, but he did have multiple meltdowns. The best part of the day was the fit he threw when the next Mountain Dew stop was 3 miles away and he did not think that he could make it that far. On top of that, was when he went to the counter at the stop, in his sad and delirious state, he had picked up diet dew. He could have been killed had the diet toxins touched his stomach. He narrowly avoided a catastrophe of epic proportion.

While riding with Joe, I was delightfully versed on why he cannot train with the G-Man. I will leave that discussion for another article. Needless to say, turning 40 has only made Joe grumpy. I can only assume that the AARP comments were not well received, nor were the grandpa Simpson references.

One thing we did learn from Joe's visit is that his daughter Liv is planning on becoming a nudist. While at the McDonald's play ground, she removed her shirt and dawned her chest for everyone. When we got to the play ground prior to seeing fireworks on another stop, she saw the fire pole and promptly started removing clothing. Joe hopes that she decides to run off to a nudist colony full of lesbians (and that he can tag along), but more than likely she will end up a stripper. Take a look at the attached pics, we can't decide if her stripper name should be nutmeg or paprika. I can't wait to see how this one turns out. She is a female Joe, challenging everything. Paybacks are hell and his parents might be getting more than even.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

The Liars Box

The liars box is back.

I picked up the new power control last week. With any luck, I will even figure out how to use it soon. Rich is salivating at the fact that he might get to analyze more data, now that I am back in the SRM game. Now my rides count again.

Even cooler is the fact that I picked up some new parts from the G-Man. I am now rolling the Dura Ace 10. I have always sworn that Campy was better, but their 10 speed stuff sucked. It was always extremely finicky and never shifted as flawlessly as the DA stuff does. I will miss that thumb shifter though. That is much cooler than the DA setup. So far, I am super impressed with the Shimano set up and I love how smooth it shifts. I only shifted the wrong way about 10 times on Saturday.

Now that I have the new gear, my list of excuses is starting to dry up. I am going to have to get more creative.

I did talk to the T-Rent this weekend and he has had a minor Ksyrium issue. It seems that they are no match for the girlfriends car. Hopefully, they survive.

G-Man got his pimp on in Springfield, but left with zero cash, which will make it extremely difficult to pay for the new BMW tires. Guess he needs to step it up and use that sprint, rather than trying to escape late in the race. If I could liquefy tires with my acceleration, I would melt Michelin's regularly.

In other news, Spencer is at Disney, plotting the assassination of the Mouse. Keep an eye on CNN for more info. He anticipated a total meltdown when I spoke with him on Thursday.

There is still an incredible void in the midwest racing schedule, primarily in Indiana. I am asked all of the time about up coming races and it is sad that you have to speak about something more than a month away. I am not that old, but I do remember when you could actually race your bike in the summer (without needing a disc wheel). I guess Puerto has killed grass roots racing, as well as the Pro Tour. One would think that this would be an issue for the USCF, however I am constantly amazed by the USCF and their inability to "take back" racing in Indiana. What a freakin' mess.

Well, that is quite a bit of random thoughts and pieces of info for today.

Till next time,

The Enmark

The Club Ride

Today was the club ride. It was very tame and we actually were allowed to have fun. We got to talk and joke and do all of the cool stuff that bike riding is supposed to be about. I swung off early to ride home with the doper. For a guy who has been down and out for a few weeks, you would never know it by following him.

The good news is, the liars box is back. I am getting used to the DA stuff and should have a good feel for the new SRM soon. I think that I did something wrong programing the slope, but I have to call them to figure it out, because I have no idea how to make it work.

The best part of the ride today is the potential new nickname that I may have picked up, "Stay Puff", as in the marsh mellow man. If you have seen any of the pics from the race in Louisville, it makes perfect sense. I hope that things swell in heat, because I look huge in every picture. Barker thinks that I am going about 350 right now.

Anyway, enjoy the pics from the group ride.

From the island of E'Ville,

The Enmark, a.k.a. Stay Puff

The Code has been Broken!

I had the opportunity last night to ride with the broken doper. I think that this entire shoulder injury and surgery has been fabricated and it was total B.S. that he was hurt. He is fine and has been faking it all along. He was be-bopping along in full on whirling dervish style last night. The pics he posted were a fine job of photo shop. Hell his face isn't even in them, so I doubt it is even him. I did get reminded last night of an email that Spencer sent to me a couple of years ago that cracked the code to Barker speak. Here it is:

Cyclists are the biggest sandbaggers and secret
trainers around. They'll say anything to soften you
up for the kill. Don't let this happen to you. Study
this handy rider's phrasebook to find out what they
really mean when they say:

"I'm out of shape"
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven't
missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace
my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts.
My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage
rate.

"I'm not into competition. I'm just riding to stay in
shape" ---
Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the
gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the line
sprint if I have to force you into oncoming traffic. I
will crest this hill first if I have to grab your seat
post, and spray energy drink in your eyes.

"I'm on my beater bike"
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany
using titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a
wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a
fart and costs more than a divorce.

"It's not that hilly"
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a
presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep
sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have
a 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.

"This is a no-drop ride"
Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing for
the search-and-rescue dogs.

"It's not that far"
Translation: Bring your passport


Now we can all figure out what the hell Barker is talking about.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Suffering and the SS

I had to go to Dayton for work, so I have been out of pocket for a few days. Here is the latest:

I was brutally beaten in a break in Louisville this past weekend. Like a dummy I went with a move that countered a prime on lap 3 and the guys that I was with were ready to roll, so we stayed clear for an hour. You think to yourself, "Wow! That is tough". Not so much. It was 400 degrees, fat kids don't like extreme heat and I ran out of fluid with 20 minutes left to go. Not cool. In the end I sat on the back of the break like a girl for 20 minutes and did not contest the sprint. I will have to decide between shopping at Ann Taylor now, or more appropriately Lane Bryant.

My man the Nazi, or Scott Spees (SS), won the Garrett Wonders Memorial in Westerville Ohio last week. That is a great race and Scott is a pimp. Anyone who can live with the daily banterings of trash talk that Whitlock spews deserves to win on that alone, on top of that, he is cool and deserves it. I asked him to provide photographic evidence of said win, but his wife Val was too busy saying "Holy shit he won" to take a picture. Racing with Scott is one of the things that I miss most about Ohio, well that and the fact that they actually have bike races to do.

I guess I should rephrase that last comment on races in Ohio. I went to the Team Dayton training race that I used to do on Tuesday evening to get in a little racing and rage release on Whitlock. While at work on Tuesday, I look out the window at 2:30 and it is pouring. Not a big deal, because by 3:30 it is done and dry by 5. The race does not start until 7, so I figure if I hurry I can get a ride in. Not too be. Apparently, rain in the afternoon is bad mojo for racing and there was no one from Team Dayton to open up the park and have the race, just a bunch of people hanging outside the gate wondering what the hell is wrong with them for not having the race. How gay is that?

In other breaking news, the liars box should be en-route. It will look nice with the Dura Ace on my bike now. Pictures will be coming soon.

More importantly, T-Rent raced outside of his area code. He is close to un-corking something huge and hopefully, bike racing related. He is threatening to go to Hyde Park soon. Hopefully it doesn't rain a week before so that they don't cancel it. You never know in Ohio apparently.

That is all for today. Check back for DA/SRM pics on the slowest Cannondale ever sold.

From the island of Evansville,

The Enmark

317 strikes again!!!

I have good and bad news to report.

T-Rent has found the cure for the 317 virus, pre-registering for races outside of Indianapolis, forcing himself to go. He is planning to get his grove on in Louisville tomorrow. I was concerned that he might not shake the virus, but it seems that he is in the clear for now.

However, I am scared to wear my Mob kit much though. It seems the rest of the Mober's have caught the virus from him. I don't want to catch the "only Daly races/317" disease, so I am going to put my Mob clothes in plastic bags in the basement so the virus doesn't spread. We have about a hundred guys on MOB and we have 4 committed to going to the Louisville crit. This race actually has money, which I hear people complaining that Dan does not provide, but they aren't going. HMMM. This virus is much worse than I originally thought. I am going to report it to the center of disease control and see if we can't get some sort of study started.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Skunk'd

On the Evansville club ride last night, we all reached a new milestone in our cycling careers. We were rolling along and came through a slight bend in the road to a few cars coming the other direction stopped in the road. As we got closer I heard someone yell "Skunk!!". It turns out, it was a family of skunks crossing the road. We were in no hurry to pass them once they started freaking out and looking like they were going to spray.

The two highlights of the adventure were Gary melting his tire as he white smoked the tread heading the other direction and Smooth as Silke complaining that "those damn things are supposed to be nocturnal" after we saw them. Even more hilarious was Silke explaining to Dave C that we got stopped by skunks and a train on the ride, but the train was too short because he barely got back on. I bet Dave still doesn't believe us.

Trying not to get sprayed on the island,

The Enmark

Chase'en it

My man Chase went over and did Winghaven with me last weekend. As I mentioned earlier, I got pummeled and he, unfortunately, did not make it too far through the first lap before the slick conditions put him on the pavement. This really sucks, because it really was a great course for his skill set. Hopefully, he is healed up enough to survive the Tour of Ohio next week. Above are some pics of him trying to get back and then catching a ride when his day was done. He had to have a plastic surgeon put his chin back together.

The worst part of the entire day at Winghaven was when a rider crashed in the final roundabout about 600 meters from the line right in front of me on the first lap. They decided to have a "King of the Mountains" competition sprint every lap and here I am sliding sideways trying to stay up when they launch the sprint for the first KOM. Nothing like kicking off a race with a sprint to catch a sprinting field. I got back on, but I burned some serious juice to get there. I guess it really didn't matter though, because there was no way that I was getting to the end of that race. I didn't need the liars box to tell me that I can't go fast enough. There is pic above of me starting to get the speed rolling again out of the roundabout and chasing back on. Man did that hurt.

That is it for now. Rumor has it that the T-Rent might break the tractor beam and launch himself out of the 317 area code. We will have to wait and see if he can pull it off.

From the island of E'Ville,

The Enmark

Mid Life Crisis

So I talked with the G-Man this morning. He picked up a new, in his words, "mid life crisis red" Madonne 5.2 Trek this weekend. It is stellar on the website. He has been kicking it hardcore lately, so this rig should get a chance to go fast soon. I am looking forward to checking it out.

Speaking of going fast, I apparently cannot. I got my tail whipped in St. Louis at the Tour de Winghaven. Nothing like the rude awakening of your true lack of ability. Man was that tough and I didn't race with the pros like the Hammer did. I guess maybe I should re-evaluate that softball league idea.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Ya know ladies....prom is coming up and I could take both of you.

After winning at Quad Cities, the Floyd testosterone project was flowing full force and Adam decided to scam on some chicks. Well done! Our junior's team is progressing nicely!!

Damn Shaving Cream

The Jinglehammer was decked out in the cream kit and feeling thick and rich Tuesday night at the training ride. That dude just slayed us. I got dropped before the horseshoe and I can't imagine how fast that son of a gun was going with the tailwind home, but judging by the look on Shane's face when I asked him about it, it sucked. Now that he is a 2, he is planning on showing us why. I have to say that I get it now, he's a frickin' motor.

On another note, Smooth as Silke mentioned that the doper could probably get some EPO with his recent injury to prevent his form from falling off too greatly. I thought that this is pure genius. Maybe if I take EPO and lay on the couch watching pros race, I can go faster. I might have to try that. I know that Gardner got a new TV and he is riding better, so I might call the UCI on him.

Great news for tonight's ride, the Hammer has to work! It might not suck as bad.

From the island of E'Ville,

The Enmark

From hero to zero, introducing Mr. 317

Well it is official. Enmark's View is the first to report on this. The T-Rent is no longer a pro power house like the above photo. No more Pimpin' for him. He has been stricken with a serious, almost fatal virus. He has a case of 317. That is right. He has the 317 virus. He can't race outside the tractor beam of I-465 and the 317 area code.

All I heard this spring was about the riding he was going to do, how he could not wait for racing to start, the impending thrashing he anticipated delivering, but now he has caught 317. I am not sure that his case is curable. We will have to wait and see. I have seen many talented men succumb to this dreaded, deadly disease and never do big races again.

They thought that the dude in Atlanta with TB had it bad, but this 317 thing is a known killer. Look for CNN to pick up reports.

Safely away from 317 on the island of E'Ville,

The Enmark

Who is more Macho?

Who is more macho; Johan in this kit or Don Ricardo?

10 pounds of beef in a 6 pound box?

The Plan is Coming Together

From my man Spencer in an email last week.

What a turn of events!!!

I can't believe it. Fitz is going to get booted from the Army because he knows Erik "I only cheated once" Zabel. Well maybe not booted, but I am sure that the French will use this as a reason for them to not help in any NATO action for the next hundred years. With their normal path of logic, Fitz met Zabel, Zabel is a cheater, cheaters can't win, so Fitz must be a cheater if he posed for a photo, therefore we can't help a cheater in a military action in the future. At least it is something along those lines. By the time this photo gets out, they will use it to link Lance to Riis in some twisted fashion, via Joe Papp.

I found this pic in a file from the worlds in Hamilton. Fitz ran into the German team out on a training ride a few days before the Worlds. He couldn't believe how fast they were riding a day before the RR. Well now we know how. Wait, Zabel didn't cheat then, that was only in '96. Didn't he win his first green jersey in '96? But it wasn't because of the drugs, right?

Enough about drugs and cycling for today. I talked to the G-Man the other day and he was getting geared up for Ault Park. I think that it started last night, so as soon as I get the gory details, I will pass them on. He is riding better and promises the "Horner" bike spike before year end. I am really looking forward to witnessing that!!

One thing that is continually making me laugh is the incompatibility of G-Man and Whitlock trying to train together. Joe always manages to find Dave right after a race day, when he doesn't want to go hard. Joe starts hearing about racing, remembering the mystical '99 and then can't control himself and they end up driving each other nuts. Joe wants to go fast, G-Man is rolling getto low and slow and they can't seem to get a cohesive grove going. To hear both sides is hilarious. I expect fisticuffs by year end.

Other than that there is not much to report. There is extremely limited racing this year, since Goar took his ball and went home. He had me all jacked up for racing, then got scarred off by 48 TT's. TT's aren't real bike races anyway, so I am not sure how that was such a threat, but whatever. Hopefully, we can get some good old American crit racing back in the schedule for years to come.

The only other thing to post here today is that T-Rent is a homo. Don't shower with him.

From the island of E'ville,

The Enmark

Sad News

Well today is a sad report.

As much as I enjoy making fun of the doper, aka Barker, I have to remit for today. Sadly my new teammate and I will not get to race together for a while. He crashed at the Ed Soto Stage race and broke his bike and his collarbone. I briefly spoke to him on Sunday and he was driving home by himself. That had to hurt.

Anyway, he tells me that he will try to be back in action in a few weeks and is already plotting double secret training in the garage on the trainer, begining as soon as this Friday. Since he is going so well right now, this is pretty devastating for him.

It does make you wonder what kind of drugs Fuentes has him on if he wants to ride in the heat on his trainer in the garage by Friday?

Wish him luck and a speedy recovery if you get a chance.

From the island,

Enmark